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UNT Christians Protest No Shave November’s Influx of Jesus Impersonators

 

As the controversy of the overly-offensive red cup winds to a close and pagans still slurp their Starbucks coffee on their way to the gates of Hell, a new predicament has come to light on the UNT campus: No shave November. This tradition infused month was actually started in 2004 by a group of Australians. It was originated to bring awareness to men’s health issues, before becoming an excuse for unkempt people to continue growing their unwashed hair. Some people stick to simply growing out the beard, while others use this month as an excuse to bring awareness to their body odor. However, this month’s controversy lies in the outlandish beards of brunette males, and for UNT Christians, the hair brings awareness to blasphemy.

 

In light of the change of body hair this month, Christians on campus have found just one more thing to offend them. This hair-filled month has led to a surplus of Jesus doppelgangers to the streets of Denton. Too many beards have grown, and too many longhaired males have led the population to wonder: Is that Jesus in my chemistry class? The red cups have been tossed aside, and a new red fury has poisoned the Christian community. Students in the free-speech part of campus have been there since the 1st of the month chanting “shame on them who grow beards, shame on them.”

 

The Christian community is outraged by this growth of confusion about the second coming, and they are confident Jesus would be angry too. One member from the Christian Campus Center said he believes “the series of tornado warnings that lead the entire campus to be awoken at 4 a.m. was actually a warning from Jesus himself.”

 

“How am I supposed to concentrate when I keep wondering if that’s Jesus slouched over in my chem lab, perusing Facebook on his iPhone?” one protester asked The Black Sheep. “And if it’s not Jesus, then these people are pretending to be and acting like Jesus, which is probably against the rules somewhere. I need to go back and look, but I’m sure ‘trying to be like Jesus’ is blasphemy… and I won’t stand for it. This is a war on beards!”

 

Another member stated that “shave the beards” was chanted softly in the background of the Eagle Alert voicemails. This week on campus, there have been many reports of people crying to the heavens, “Dear Lord, strike down these hippie unkempt college students.” Will this effect the membership of the Dollar Shave Club?

 

The unshaven bartenders of Denton have always had a Jesus-like feel, especially after a few too many drinks, but those un-shaven members in the carpentry profession are under the most scrutiny this holiday season. As students are unable to rid themselves of the Stanley Carpet Cleaner jingle, it also frustrates the carpet cleaner consumers when Jesus walks through their door. However, these unshaven carpenters are standing strong in this month’s tradition.

 

No shave November is a tradition that has continued now for 11 years. These beards are meant to bring awareness, not scrutiny. However, if you do find yourself questioning if that is in fact Jesus in your chemistry class, try being a decent human being: recycle, eat litter off the floor (you know, good moral things), and remember: He’s always watching.

 

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