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UNT Considers Upgrading To 2-Ply Toilet Paper If Students Vote On Super Tuesday

 

Leap Day has officially come to a close and the inevitable Super Tuesday has approached. As the bustling bodies of UNT campus continue to use the restroom, Donald Trump continues to be a potential nominee for the Republican Party. In light of this intolerable potential outcome, UNT is considering an incentive to get the youth of North Texas out to the polls — more ply for their buy. That’s right, if UNT students go out on Super Tuesday and use their voting power, the sad days of toilet seat hopelessness could be in the past and multiple ply sheets could be the future.

 

All students have dealt with the 1-ply toilet paper that haunts the restrooms, and most students are rooting for a champion to make the bathrooms great again. Recycled slogans aside, a change may be present in the stalls if students use their constitutional rights appropriately this year.

 

Restroom goer Marcus Engelmann exited the Sage Hall bathroom this past week and stopped for an interview about his experience. “I would love to see UNT invest in an additional ply to that awful tissue paper campus claims is usable. I would prefer to enjoy my bathroom experience, rather than regret it,” Marcus told The Black Sheep. “I am really ‘Feeling the Bern’ after that last trip to the bathroom, can’t we get some Charmin?”

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However, in addition to his bathroom opinion, Marcus also holds a strong opinion against voting. He claims to not have any desire to make it out to the polls on Super Tuesday. Unfortunately Marcus’s dismal view of voting is shared with the majority of students. That’s why UNT Young Voters Of America Club has come together to unite those students who believe their vote doesn’t matter.

 

“More Ply If You Go Vote For A Guy” is the current, yet failing, motto of the Young Voters Club. With this election year’s addition of Hillary Clinton, the motto needs revamping. In an interview with the President, Carly Putin was adamant that “the new motto is in the works.” Carly informed us that one suggestion has been “2 Ply More if You Make Voting What You Stand For.” An alternative is “Go Vote To Keep Toilet Paper Afloat.” And finally, “We Hate Having Shit on our Hands After Wiping, Please for the Love of God Go Vote.” However, the UNT Young Voters are at a coin toss on the final decision.

 

The Mean Green University hopes the incentive will increase the amount of UNT students at the polls this Tuesday. Incentive or not, voting is a right given to the American people to give each citizen a voice. UNT students need to be aware of the importance the impact they can make for the future of America. Regardless of who students vote for, the important thing is to go vote. Be a Superhero this Super Tuesday; help campus increase the ply of their paper. To keep shit off our hands, and away from America, go to the polls and avoid a future of Trump.

 

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