Denton citizens woke today to find their town in shambles: cars overturned, windows smashed, and smashed Bernie ‘16 yard signs as far as the eye could see. Bill Nye the Science guy arrived at UNT yesterday evening as planned, but no one could prepare for the full blown exhibition of 90s pandemonium that would ensue. Witnesses say at approximately 8 p.m. yesterday evening, students across campus ceased whatever they were doing and entered a hypnotic trance, quietly chanting “Bill…Bill…Bill…Bill…” as if the show’s theme song — that blessed anthem of video day in elementary school — was laying down its sick beats just for them.
According to authorities, UNT students violently besieged Denton with a frenzied 90s renaissance, although they claim to have no memory of last night’s events. Reportedly, one grad student literally saw Bill Nye, sneezed, and turned into a Spice Girl. Many others were hysterically recalling the fundamentals of science Bill Nye had taught them.
In the Life Sciences building for instance, a young man stripped down to his underwear and barricaded himself in a room with every bunsen burner in the building, cautioning negotiators for hours that he knew how to use them. Outside, the scene was even worse. One student, later identified as senior Miranda Fulton, took post on top of Crooked Crust and began hurling plastic chairs and tiny hair barrettes at police officers while screaming “MORE BUTTERFLY CLIPS! BUTTERFLY CLIPS UNTIL THE STREETS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF YOUR SCALPS!”
The damage did not stop at Fry St. like it normally does. Denton’s stray cat population is especially devastated by yesterday’s events. “We’re just trying to recover what we can at this point,” says Mr. McMittens, whose favorite tree was tragically uprooted. The cats later issued a statement saying they will have to postpone their community production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat until further notice.
“Someone spray painted the scientific method on the hood of my car!” Local home owner David Elkman lamented “I can’t get ‘analysis’ off completely, so until I get a new paint job, I’m driving my kids to school in the anal mobile!” David, trust us, where the anal mobile is not gladly received, it is chased down by cops. We know this from experience.
Sure, UNT students collectively destroyed a city overnight, but frankly, a bit of light mob violence was to be expected. This man was an icon of our generation after all, the reason we eventually learned to say “Uranus” without collapsing into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. He taught us about nutrition (not that we listened) and the importance of recycling (not that we listened).
Yet more importantly, in the midst of remembering when to take your Nuvaring out, studying for tests, and stomaching the abysmal debt that will follow you to the grave, Bill is a walking reminder of simpler times; back when Pluto was still a planet and the only thing you had to worry about was whether tonight was the night your Furby would kill you.