UNT’s very own Arthur Bartholomew encountered an interesting scene last Friday morning upon opening the door to his room when he walked in on his roommate, Jack Kinsley, in a deep sleep, covered in tar and feathers. Jack has not woken up from this deep sleep since Friday and missed all his classes this week. Arthur is without an explanation for the occurrence, but in a private interview with friends and family of Jack, an interesting tale emerged.
Jack Kinsley is an Art History major going into his sophomore year. His friends know him as the local prankster, always with a pigeon up his sleeve. “His biggest inspiration is Gob from Arrested Development, he just really has a thing for kind of mediocre magicians,” a close friend of Jack, Cole Stewart, told The Black Sheep. “We told him to calm it down from last year, last April Fools’ Day, Jack killed his grandma. We were all like whoa dude…chill.” Unfortunately, Cole was also uninformed about this year’s prank and what will come of it. “I mean when he bought a tub of tar and individually plucked feathers off a bird he hit with his car, I didn’t question it.”
Lucky for his concerned parents and alert campus officials, one person did have the answer for the fiasco found on Friday. Raymond Norris, the janitor of Jack Kinsley’s dorm happened to stop and ask Jack about the odd items he carried into the room that afternoon. “He said he thought it’d be hilarious to reenact the most brutal form of public humiliation, he planned to take a bunch of pain killers beforehand, cover himself in cloth to avoid burns, but then tar and feather himself and run through the library mall shouting ‘Fear Me, Fear Me, I am the Last Witch Hunter.’” Raymond said when Jack didn’t appear from his room for a few hours he checked out the scene to find a passed out Jack in the full get-up.
Jack’s vitals are steady and campus officials say they are positive his health is in no way threatened, but he is certain to sleep until after finals. “We are talking stage 3 REM sleep, he’s conked out,” said a UNT nurse. The current plan to attempt Jack’s wake-up is by orchestrating a “kick” by playing loud music, having a chair fall into a bathtub, an elevator drop, and find a van to fall off a bridge into a river, similar to the events in the movie Inception.
Jacks’ professor and family are anxiously awaiting his return to consciousness. Campus officials ask all students to learn from Jack’s mistakes and avoid the sleep inducing qualities tar and feathering yourself may bring. For those students contemplating a similar joke, The Black Sheep recommends looking elsewhere for ideas. Hey, here’s a link even: food for thought.