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UNT Student Discovers Portal to Hell Inside Willis’ Second Floor Restroom

 

Sophomore technical communications major, Kentavious Fujimoto, was studying late in the only library he had ever called home, Willis Library. After his third coffee in as many minutes, he decided to abandon his desk. “The need to pee was upon me,” said Fujimoto “and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.”

 

However, it wasn’t the row of poorly-maintained bathroom stalls he discovered on the 2nd floor of Willis, but rather, a fiery tunnel in which Lucifer stood, hand on hip and spinning his tail all sexy-like in his hand. Just when Fujimoto turned to run, the devil pulled a lever. “All of a sudden we were traveling down, through the layers of hell which happened to look a lot Willis Library.”

 

Fujimoto was able to give The Black Sheep some notes from his tour, exactly as they were written in yellow-green crayon.

 

Limbo:
The first level is filled with those who did not accept Neal Smatresk as the supreme leader. Although not an outright sin, because these souls did not pledge their allegiance to the chosen one, they are forced to spend all eternity in hell. Although, their penance seems to be short of any punishment, boredom is the only thing that lingers over them. 

 

Lust:
The second level was filled with every student who ever performed sexual acts in the darkness of the library in Sycamore Hall. They were tied to the filing cabinets in the basement of Sycamore, forced to face their love with miles separating them, all while being force-fed different assorted aphrodisiac fruits by succubi and incubi.

 

Gluttony:
The third level was reserved for a
ll those who have consumed food at Burger King, Taco Bueno, or any other fast food joint found in the Union. These poor souls were constantly being submerged into jars filled to the brim with any menu item of their choice from any of the Union restaurants they so fervently frequented for “stress snacks.”

  

Greed:
The fourth layer was for a
ny student who took the last two plugs that were available when they didn’t really need to charge anything. The punishment performed on this level is truly horrifying and gruesome — those souls on this level were under a constant barrage of electric shock and Evangelicals handing out mini-Bibles.

 

Anger:
The fifth layer was for any soul 
who yelled at the people (mostly fellow students) who make coffee on campus for almost no money at all. At this level, they were doused in scalding coffee by the employees they yelled at.

 

Fujimoto apologized to The Black Sheep, commenting this was where his pen ran out, therefore he could not conclude the rest of his journey on paper. However, he did not that Scrappy is found on every level of hell, taunting those trapped in this Inferno by playing awful music while dancing around them. At the end of his tour, The Dark Lord took Fujimoto back to the restroom from whence he entered.

 

Fujimoto isn’t sure why this all happened to him, but he has an idea. “Probably because of my dedication and determination to my studies, and because I bleed green,” said Fujimoto. “Or it might be because I’m on running little to no sleep, fighting through a cold and thus doped up on Sudafed, and running on a coffee high, and I have a cold. Did I say I have a cold? Where am I?”

 

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