Although the Student Union construction was originally planned to take at least a millennium, inspired construction and hard work estimates are now pointing towards the completion within two centuries. This comes as a relief to countless students fearful that their great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren would not be able to use the building.
We spoke to the head of construction, Bill D. Ingslowly, who had this to say on the rapidly improved time frame: “We have our best men on the job, and they are working as tirelessly as it is humanly possible for about a minute, and then we sit around for four or five hours and marvel at what we’ve just achieved. I wouldn’t do it any other way. It is undeniably the most efficient way to construct anything. As my great grandpa, who started on this project, always said ‘It’s not about getting it done quickly. It’s about getting it done right, and over the course of hundreds of years.’ The beauty of the way I work is that I don’t even get to see the finished product, so if I mess it up, who cares!”
While viewing the site, we had a brief chat with Thomas Gobble, a super senior, who had just finished tossing a trash bag full of trash over the fence into the construction site. “This construction started before I was even a freshman,” said Gobble. “I swear on my mother’s grave that I’ve only seen these construction workers laughing or drinking out of that keg over there,” he told us, pointing to three construction workers hoisting a 4th up to do a kegstand while loudly counting down from 20. “Also do you smell poop? It smells like poop over there.”
The Black Sheep’s intel tells us that by the year 2215, the Student Union will more than likely be complete. It will be an exciting time for us all, despite the fact that we’ll all be long dead by then. With this in mind, a tall, anonymous man in a wife beater and jean shorts standing by the construction site has offered a service to bury your remains underneath the Student Union. He also had a spider web tattoo that covered his face, so you know he’s trustworthy.
With this burial service, even if we are not alive to see it, our corpses will make up the Union’s foundation. The man had this to say on his startup,” I think a lot of people will be interested in what I have to offer, if you can’t walk the halls of the Union now, why shouldn’t your wandering soul be able to in nary 200 years? Plus, the bodies that may or may not already be down there need company!”
One day not in the far future we will have a completed Student Union. And what a glorious day that will be! Until then, we all wait in anticipation. From taking time to talk to Ingslowly we think this Student Union will be something to behold, regardless of if we are alive or more than likely deceased.
*For inquiries about the burial service contact email@example.com