The new food court in the UNT Union, after a few hiccups following the Union’s early opening last semester, is finally a fully operational carnival of pure sensory pleasure. The likes of which have not been seen on Earth since God’s wrathful destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Students and faculty have already begun lining up for a morally affronting ride down the fluorescent roller coaster of taste ecstasy. Taco Bueno General Manager Shannon Johnson elaborated on the food options this year.
“Well, we’re pleased that UNT students like the food so much,” Ms. Johnson stated, while very clearly flicking her forked tongue back and forth. “Our ingredients are sent directly from Hell’s Pantry [Editor’s note: Not like Hell’s Kitchen, but a real pantry in Hell]. In fact, the fajita chicken we use was taken from the Hell Chickens that roam free around the Great Lake of Fire. Glory to our Dark Lord, who allows us his taste-filled bounty for consumption and sale. Hail hail.”
UNT students were particularly enthused with the new food as well, and eagerly shared their thoughts with The Black Sheep.
“I really enjoy the new Jamba Juice!” Senior biology major Ella Perez said from her figurative prison cell of Satan’s construction. “There are a ton of options, and it’s fast and easy for me to pick something up and take it wherever I need to go! Not that I’d leave. This veritable Island of Lotus-Eaters has welcomed me with open arms and I will indulge to my heart’s content, until my body withers and I am only a shell of a creature, robbed of all self except that which I may find in devouring these tender mercies here.”
Other UNT students were similarly keen on expressing their devotion to the gleaming new Hell surrounding them.
“I renounce Christ completely and utterly,” freshman James Rushing yelled, while biting into a nugget from the newly-opened Burger King. “I give myself, body and soul, to this gleaming temple of hedonism, where I may taste the sweet ambrosia hidden from Man after the closing of the Garden of Eden. My immortal soul means nothing in light of the earthly pleasure I may find here at this food court.”
At press time, Rushing’s cowardly heart had completely shut itself off completely from the light of the outside world and was pursuing only immediate gratification to sustain the vast darkness growing in his soul.