At 23 years old, UNT junior Toby Miller’s world was turned upside down. For days, Miller had written the small tickle in his throat off as the beginnings of a cold, nothing too serious. But his diagnosis said otherwise. As it turns out, Miller had acquired Feline AIDS… according to WebMD.
Despite his initial shock, Miller realized the symptoms had been present for months. “Sometimes I’d sit in a chair for hours on end and get this random ache in my back. And a few times last semester my head would really hurt.”
Miller recalled some of his headaches getting so bad he’d have to take an Advil while browsing knitted caskets on Etsy. “I should have known something was mortally wrong,” he whimpered.
WebMD has long provided compassionate medical care to low-income students who cannot afford to see a doctor or local sorcerer, not to mention the students who still haven’t emailed Obama to get health insurance. With the guidance of WebMD, the Student Health and Wellness Center has narrowly avoided catastrophe time and time again. When one student discovered her hangnail was the result of leprosy, for instance, the HWC was able to exile her before any contagion. Today, UNT is the only campus in America with a leper colony on Greek row.
A support group is available for students who are dying, according to WebMD. The group, called “Mean Green Almost Angels,” was founded by Angela Lee, who has been having heart attacks since June of last year. Members are diverse in their ailments, yet durable. “I had missed class because I was running a fever, I was cold and tired… it felt like the worst flu I’d ever had! Turns out I had a meth addiction. I know you’re supposed to watch for misshapen moles and lumps, but they just don’t tell you to regularly check yourself for meth addictions.”
What are the football coaches teaching in health classes these days? Another attendee recounts her experience, which she is adapting into a romance novel, “after discovering our condom broke, I checked WebMD for early pregnancy symptoms. I was fatigued and a bit nauseous so I was concerned I was pregnant. It turns out my boyfriend infected me with an aneurysm.”
Cholera and bubonic plague were also among the afflictions of the group, although the most tragic case was that of Timothy Camp, who is heroically coping with being dead. “It runs in my family,” Camp says bravely, hoping for a parade of some sort.
As for our young Toby, he plans to continue on, living as normal a life as possible, while he still can. According to sources, appropriate measures have been taken to prevent contagion.
Toby now wears adorable mittens around campus to limit the possibility of scratching other students. Miller has also taken a vow of celibacy, which has been linked to Mad Cow Disease, according to WebMD.