If you’ve lived in the town of Flagstaff for any extended period of time, then you know this place can be a beautiful little hell hole. It’s important that you have a rainy day fund in store for all the… rainy days, so here are five insurance policies that each and every one of you will need, eventually.
5.) Idiot Driver Life Insurance:
If you somehow haven’t noticed yet, Flagstaff can be a very dangerous place to live. Don’t believe us? Hop in your car and drive around town for 10 minutes and see how many people nearly send you to your creator. Drivers here aren’t just blind, they’re also deaf. Not to mention dumb. And let’s throw ugly in there just to hurt their feelings. If you do happen to live through your first Flagstaff fender bender… just kidding, you won’t.
4.) Flood Insurance:
We all know the three facts of life: the suns rises in the east, the French always surrender, and it rains in Flagstaff. Hell, we’re willing to bet that it’s raining right now as you’re reading this. Are we right? If not wait 15 seconds and check again. You’d think that all the water would just naturally flow downhill since we’re at such high elevation right? Well if we knew jack shit about earth science then we’d tell you. Don’t come to TBS articles looking for knowledge.
3.) Vegan Insurance:
With all these new hippy dippy California vegans moving in every year, the once-great product of meat is on the decline. Now burgers are made of kale and styrofoam. What happened to the good ol’ fashion GMO-enhanced super chickens of yesteryear? We want our meat to have been bench pressing 350 before they killed it #keepsteriodsinmeat.
2.) Pot Insurance:
It’s very important insure your precious, precious bud here in Flagstaff. However, remember that it’s only medicinal in Arizona, so the ol’ boys in blue will come after you if you’re just stoned out of your mind in, silently staring at the menu in Jamba Juice for 45 minutes. Of course it would be difficult to insure your pot if it’s not legal, which is why you just throw out your grandmother’s ashes and store your pot in the urn. If the police ask why you’re smoking your grandma’s ashes, tell them it’s your religion. Genius.
1.) Plaid Insurance:
It is literally impossible to live in Flagstaff without insuring your 65 plaid t-shirts, 35 plaid long sleeves, 15 plaid jackets and 4 plaid pants. If something were to happen to your children, you’d lose it. They are your everything, your reason for living. Your reason for dying. Plaid is love, plaid is life. PLAID IS LIFE.
Before something terrible happens, please invest in any of these insurances by sending cash or pre-paid credit cards to The Black Sheep NAU headquarters, which is basically just a few thrown out laptops in the dumpster behind the Union.
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