Each year, the amount of incoming freshmen continues to increase. This is likely due to Rita Cheng being a money grubbing lizard lady. On top of that, the incoming children are clueless! They take all the available parking, walk extremely slowly in the winter, and are always oohing at campus on their lame ass tours. So, here are some ways to slow the flow of incoming Lumberjacks.
5.) Dash Their Flannel Fashion Dreams:
Since flannel-wear is the official student clothing of NAU, you must hit these incoming freshmen where it hurts. The Black Sheep knows you chose this school because you wanted to get in touch with your inner hipster, and not seem like some kind of weirdo. However, the next time you see an incoming freshman tell them they would look never look good in a flannel, because we all know that’s the real reason NAU is even on their college radar.
4.) Terrify Them With Tales of the Great Blizzard Of 2016:
You’ll probably remember that never-ending snowstorm that hit us last January as the one-time Rita cancelled school, (but only for a few hours). So, when you tell incoming freshmen the story, try spicing it up. Tell them your roommate went out to get pizza but wasn’t seen until the following week after the snow thawed. This will make potential freshman think twice about braving NAU’s frozen tundra.
3.) Confirm That CCC is Better:
If they must move to Flagstaff, warn them to go to CCC instead. Who wouldn’t want to save some money by going to community college first? Plus, it’s a place for them to see if college is even gonna pan out before wasting everybody else’s time, and Daddy’s money on the big boy campus. By the time they are done with their associates at CCC they will be mature and ready for NAU. Just make sure you have a PowerPoint ready to go, freshmen are hella gullible and they love that shit.
2.) Mock Their Lack of Hydro Flask:
If you attend NAU and don’t own a Hydro Flask, are you even a true Lumberjack? No, of course not you noobs. So, when you notice an incoming freshman toting some crummy Walmart water bottle, smack that piece of shit out of their hand. Make sure they get a gander at your piece of perfection. Then, promptly recycle it, because we are a green campus after all. The dread of not fitting in will strike them down where they stand.
1.) Teach Them a Valuable Lesson About The Food:
Post yourself outside of the Union, and warn all tourists that enter of what lies within. Rumor has it that the staff has a roster of all incoming freshmen, so they know who to serve the shitty food to after orientation is over. Be kind and give the incoming freshmen a heads up! Just make sure to tell them if the food doesn’t get them first, the cyanide, and acetone will.
“Obviously,” this is just harmless fun, not a means of harassment. However, there must be a way to stop these hordes of freshmen from coming in. Until there is a permanent solution, NAU has to protect its turf and ensure those little bastards end up somewhere else.
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