Freshman year: students arrive in their new home star-struck and excited to get on with the best four years of their lives. At Notre Dame it’s no different. Here are a few easy ways to tell if someone’s a freshman.
10.) They wear a lanyard everywhere:
Classic freshmen. They get their first lanyard, probably from their dorm, and they wear it everywhere. Of course they put everything on it: Their keys, their student ID, a small-yet-detailed effigy of Cthulhu: Devourer of Dreams. You can hear a freshman just from the jingling as they walk by.
9.) They think their dorm is the best:
Because of course they do. All their friends live in their dorm, so they completely forget how to communicate with the opposite sex. If you live in Keenan, you never re-learn how. Of course everyone hears the stereotypes, but everyone knows none of them are true. None of them, except for how Alumni guys are douchebags, Flaherty girls vape, Walsh girls are building a secret tunnel under the school for Elon Musk’s hyper loop, and all that shit about Zahm.
8.) They have never engaged in hand to hand combat on the hallowed ground of the roof of the Stepan Center:
Every Notre Dame student was there once. “Why would people fight on top of Stepan? What does that accomplish? What does this have to do with the refreshing taste of Sprite soda?” But after the first night of the awakening festival, they all understood.
Seriously though, don’t climb the Stepan Center. It’s dangerous, and no one wants to die a freshman.
7.) They eat A LOT:
The freshman fifteen is real, and with all you can eat dining halls and Carl’s Chicken, it’s never been easier or had worse after effects.
6.) They walk on God Quad:
Legend has it if you walk on God Quad you will fail your theology class, or you won’t graduate, or you’ll have to date a girl from BP or something. Either way, don’t do it. One time this kid almost stepped on God Quad, and rumor has it a junior theology major flying roundhouse kicked him in the face. Saved that freshman’s theology credit, though.
5.) They are nurturing a nest of baby albatrosses on their shoulder:
This one really isn’t that weird.
4.) They don’t know how to walk through the dining hall:
The transition to freshman year is hard, and so is South Dining Hall. It also sucks. North is better. Good rule of thumb: if someone slams into you while sprinting full speed through the grill line, they’re probably a freshman. If they look into your eyes with a look of fear only demonstrative of someone who has seen the ghost of Rudy for the very first time, they’re definitely a freshman.
3.) They hit up Feve every Thursday night:
They’re fucking sick, bro, of course they do. They pound whiskey sours with their boys and grind on Smicks bro, how could they not be? Finance classes don’t start until sophomore year, so they don’t give a fuck, bro. Thursdays are for Feve, Fridays are for dorm parties, Saturdays are for Hip Hop Night and Sundays are for the Lord, bro. Dab on ‘em!
2.) Whenever they pass Father Jenkins they forget to yell “Feed me father, for I am a hungry bird!”:
Come on, guys. It’s a Notre Dame tradition. Fix up your act, or Cthulhu will emerge from the deep recesses of St. Joseph’s lake and punish you with an eternity of Moreau First Year seminar.
1.) They call themselves first years:
Welcome to your first year of the best 4-6 years of the rest of your life. You’re a freshman or freshwoman or freshperson, or fresh-whatever-you-choose-to-identify-as. As long as you don’t call yourself a first year. At least that way you won’t wake up to the cold waters of St. Joseph’s lake as Cthulhu drags you back to the dream realm from whence the ancient ones came.