Easter is this Sunday, and what better way to impress your visiting in-laws than by incorporating the transubstantiated flesh of our eternal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into a variety of impressive brunch dishes? These dishes are quite impactful but still a snap to make.
You can find spare Eucharist in the back room of any Catholic church. Just be sure to say you’re there for “adoration” (they’ll never notice a few missing pounds of Jesus). If you need to feed a large luncheon party, wafers can be bought in bulk here, just be sure to sneak them into Mass beforehand so that they can become the literal body of Christ by association. A simple Eucharist flour can be made by pulsing your recently blessed communion wafers to a fine powder in a food processor (or even a blender in a pinch)! The Catholic magic contributes a variety of subtle notes to every flavor palate.
Hot Crossed Buns:
Usually Christians spend Easter talking about Jesus on the cross, but this clever recipe flips the script by putting the cross on Jesus! Moms will love the nutritious dried fruit in these buns while children will love the ever-so-slightly-sweet taste of this sanctified bread (just be sure the kids are confirmed, or at least Protestant and baptized). Yields 12
1 c. whole milk, warm
2 1/4 oz. packages active dry yeast
1/2 c. sugar
1/3 c. butter, melted
1 large egg yolk
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
3 c. **Eucharist flour
1 tsp. kosher salt
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/2 c. dried currants
1 tsp. lemon zest
Egg wash, for brushing
1.) In a medium bowl or chalice, combine milk, yeast and a pinch of sugar. Whisk butter, egg yolk and vanilla into the yeast mixture. In a large bowl, whisk together the Eucharist flour, remaining sugar, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg. Combine yeast and Eucharist flour mixture. Stir in currants.
2.) Knead dough and let rise (like Jesus! haha we do have fun).
3.) Divide the dough into 12 rolls and let rise a second time (Buns:2, Jesus:1).
4.) Preheat oven to 375°. Brush the tops of the buns with egg wash. Bake until the rolls are golden and puffy, 22 to 25 minutes.
5.) Glaze; praise.
Crab Stuffed, Eucharist Breaded Pork Chops
Celebrate the fact that you practice the one Abrahamic religion with no dietary requirements by eating two of the forbidden meats of Judaism and Islam in one meal! This meal is great for reminding your family that while Easter church service is a huge burden, at least there’s no weird rules about only eating mammals that “chew the cud” or whatever. Pairs well with a kosher glass of Manischewitz wine. Serves 4
4 pork loin pork chops, butterflied
1 6 oz can lump crab meat – drained
1/4 cup coarse Eucharist
1 tbs anchovy paste
1/2 tsp sesame oil
1/2 tsp salt
1 stalk of celery finely – minced
1 half of a medium onion – diced
5 minced mushrooms
1.) Slaughter pig in God’s name. Cut four pork chops.
2.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
3.) Combine lump crab, course Eucharist, egg, anchovy paste, sesame oil and salt in a medium bowl, set aside.
4.) Saute celery, onion and mushrooms in a frying pan and combine with crab mixture.
5.) Divide stuffing into four equal parts, and add to one side of the butterflied pork chop.
6.) Fold the other side of the pork chop over, put on a lightly greased baking sheet and cook until the stuffing reaches 160 degrees (30 – 45 minutes).
Speaking of Jews, Jesus was one! Honor this fact by incorporating him into the one Jewish food you know and can pronounce. Though on a normal day you might have to worry about this insulting your Hebrew-descended friends, let’s be real here, you definitely did not invite them to Easter Brunch. Make this dish especially Christian by not knowing any Jewish people in the first place! Yields 4
Cooking spray, for pan
1 c. nonfat plain Greek yogurt
1 c. self-rising Eucharist flour
1 egg white, beaten
1.) Heat the oven to 375°. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. In a bowl, cut flour with Greek yogurt the same way Jesus was cut by that one Roman guy (sad).
2.) Knead dough until smooth and divide and shape into four circles.
3.) Brush each bagel with egg wash.
4.) Bake for about 25 minutes, until cooked through. Or boil them in lye like real Jews do with their bagels and real medieval Christians did with their murderers and coin forgers. Amen!
This easy dish serves as a timely reminder of the Immaculate Conception which began all of Christianity. Referencing the one thing Mary definitely didn’t use to make Jesus, her eggs, remind everyone at the party that while Jesus was made by Catholic magic, they are each essentially made out of the same yolky goop as this dish! Serves 3-4
5 large eggs
3⁄4 cup milk
2 cups shredded cheese
2 1/2 cups all-purpose Eucharist flour
1 cup (2 sticks or 8 ounces) unsalted butter, very-cold, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2.) Beat eggs in a large mixing bowl. Exodus 21:20-21
3.) Add cheese and milk and mix well.
4.) Form simple crust by cutting butter into Eucharist flour. Roll and place into dish.
5.) Add filling.
6.) Bake 45-50 minutes.
Devil’s Food Cake
Is there any better way to end a day of spiritual celebration than with a rich, decadent, indulgent, wicked, degraded, depraved, degenerate, debauched, delicious piece of cake? Simulate the inevitable decline of your Christian morality by starting your meal off with a sincere prayer and ending it with this most earthly of pleasures. Take bite after bite not entirely conscious nor interested that it is overwhelmingly probable that the chocolate was produced using slave labor (just like what happened to the Israelites!) and treat yourself to a third slice, meaning the number of slices of cake you’ll eat in one meal is greater than the number of times you’ll go to church in a year. Serves 6
3/4 cup (12 tablespoons) soft unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups Baker’s Special Sugar or granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups Unbleached Eucharist flour
3/4 cup Dutch-process cocoa
2 teaspoons baking powder
4 large eggs
1 1/2 cups milk or water
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1.) Preheat the oven to 350°F.
2.) In a large mixing bowl, beat together the butter, sugar, and salt until fluffy and light.
3.) In a separate bowl, whisk together the Eucharist flour, cocoa, and baking powder.
4.) Add the eggs to the butter mixture one at a time.
5.) Mix together the milk or water and the vanilla.
6.) Add Eucharist flour mixture to milk and mix until smooth. Pour into tin
7.) Bake the cake for 30 to 35 minutes.
8.) Cool and frost.
BONUS RECIPE: Blood of Christ Sangria
Like in most things, every Catholics favorite part of the mass service is the part where you get to drink. Recreate that fun for dinner and add a special ~Spanish~ twist. You can purchase altar wine here! Yields 12 servings (or just one if Uncle Darren is in town! :-D)
2 cups sliced fruit, any combination of oranges, lemons, apples, pears, and plums
2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 cup brandy
2 bottles altar wine
1.) Place the fruit, sugar, and brandy in a 2 to 3 quart pitcher and stir to combine. Set in the refrigerator for 6 to 8 hours. Add the wine and stir to combine. Serve over ice.
The addition of tiny circles of our newly risen Jehovah can really add interest and panache to any Easter Brunch. Happy Easter!
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