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6 Alternative Methods of Birth Control Actually Allowed on Notre Dame’s Campus

Recently, Notre Dame University reaffirmed its decision to no longer provide university funding for birth control. Also, whenever you ask for condoms at the Huddle, they just hand you a Catechism and sadly shake their heads in disapproval. Well, we here at The Black Sheep still stand for the radical concept of safe sex. So, in the interest of gettin’ it on like Diddy Kong (please don’t have sex with Diddy Kong) here are seven alternative methods of birth control still allowed at Notre Dame.

6.) Be gross: 
Ah yes. A method as old as time itself. Nothing says: “No babies for this Christian warrior, thank you” like ceasing any and all showering and teeth brushing. As Benedict XVI said: “The safest boink is no boink at all.”

Allowed Under DuLac? Although Article 20 of DuLac does say “No Fatties,” there’s nothing in the good book that prohibits terrible hygiene, so stink away!

5.) Candams:
This form of birth control is an Eastern European version of the condom, produced for a brief period of time in 1960’s Russia. Nearly as good as the real thing, they’re clean, 64% effective, and they glow in the dark.

Allowed Under DuLac? Thanks to a 1964 treaty between Notre Dame and the Soviet Union, candams are actually allowed on Notre Dame’s campus. Unfortunately, thanks to a 1965 FDA study which found they caused something called “super-cancer”, they aren’t technically allowed on US soil, so you’ll have to mail-order. 🙁

4.) Have sex in a K-Mart:
Although this method does require that you go into a K-Mart, it’s 100% percent effective, because no just God would allow a baby to be conceived in that hellhole.

Allowed Under DuLac? No, but thankfully, university administrators (like normal people) never go into K-Marts, so smash to your heart’s content.

3.): Wiccan birth control:
This method, passed down through the generations by a man with a grey ponytail in a crystal store, is as follows: Cover yourself in river-stones in the shape of a peace sign, and light some sage before you get it on.

Allowed under DuLac? It’s allowed, but, like, it super doesn’t work.

2.): Have sex with M’loch, the demon of pestilence:
For this method, use the blood of a sacrificed goat to draw a pentagram on the floor, and chant the song “Me Too” by Megan Trainor until M’loch appears. Then, say “Come here often?” and it’s on like gangbusters. And, there’s no risk of pregnancy, because the only things birthed by M’loch are suffering, pestilence, and a poor oat harvest.

Allowed Under DuLac? You would think summoning a demon, and then plowing said demon would violate some sort of Catholic teaching, but, thanks to the Godless additions of Vatican II, it’s totally chill now.

1.) Just stop doing it!:
Submitted by university administrators:

“Quit burning your draft cards and read your Bibles, you doob-smokin’ free-love a-holes!”

Love, Father Jenkins

Abstinence is the best birth control, just like the best cure for a hangover is to not drink! If we missed a few, please let us know on Twitter, we’re desperate. 

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