Ever since our 150th birthday, Notre Dame’s had a bad case of the doldrums. We’ve tried to fill the it with new dorms, a new student center, and even more oil company shares, but the campus still has the wintertime blues. Well, this intrepid columnist has finally found a solution: all Notre Dame needs is a cataclysmic blizzard. Just like in 1978, when the Great Blizzard of Northern Aggression trapped the Holy Cross Brothers in the dome and forced them to subsist on unconsecrated host and tree bark, a nice Biblical caliber blizzard could be just the revitalization this campus needs. Here are some of the many benefits of an enormous blizzard.
5.) Solve the pest problem:
As both the morbidly obese squirrels of North Quad and the casually-racist-skunk-of-South-Quad can attest, Notre Dame has a pest problem. If we were snowed in, the Hesburgh-Yusko Scholars would realize pretty quickly how tasty animals can be.
4.) A rebirth of faith:
After the 1779 St. Petersburg Blizzard, Fishmonger Katarina Svetlana was quoted as saying, “I have met who you call God. He shows no mercy, and he is made of blood and snow.” If everyone on Notre Dame’s campus could meet God, just imagine what that would do for our campus’ faith community!
3.) A return to our roots:
As we learned from Mad Max: Fury Road, human society is a fragile construct which needs only the absence of gas to collapse. By week two of the blizzard Notre Dame will be living in a regular Thunderdome. Sure the barbarism and depredations would be difficult to stomach, but hopefully the wanton looting and slaughter will more than make up for them.
2.) Accountability from the administration:
In the before-time, before the blizzard, the university would often keep students in the dark about their plans and assets. However, if a blizzard happened, Father Jenkins would finally have to tell us: “How many bear-pelts does he really have?”
As shown by the university’s new six-semesters-on-campus plan, Notre Dame is truly committed to fostering a sense of dorm-togetherness. They’re also committed to fostering a sense of sweet-skrilla cash, but mostly the togetherness thing. Despite living on campus, I never feel like I truly know a lot of the guys in my dorm, however.
A wise man once said “You never truly know someone until you’ve successfully defended your squirrel-meat stores from Zahm House.” That guy was really onto something, which is why what Notre Dame really needs this spring, is a catastrophic blizzard that traps us all on campus, as well as trapping each man in the twisted hallways of his own mind.