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After 87 Years Notre Dame Stadium Celebrates One Billion Sunburnt Necks!

Following the third consecutive home September football game, Notre Dame Stadium is proud to announce that there have officially been 1 billion sunburnt back of student’s necks.

Nearly all of the victims have been white boys, who did not put sunscreen on and then tailgated for hours in the sun, some however did apply sunscreen, but proceeded to poorly apply to the back of their necks.

Peter McBoyle, university spokesperson for the stadium, released a statement saying, “We have been waiting for this day since the stadium opened in 1930, and I’m so proud that this is the year we finally reached this milestone.”

Since football games have begun, only a handful of games are even sunny, so Notre Dame stadium estimates that there are approximately 1,275 sunburned back of necks per sunny game.

Donor Bill Sullivan exclaimed, “Those Irish boys with their crew haircuts and t-shirt collar necklines, I’m just so proud. I’m glad that I am paying $30,000 for season tickets to see that students are still dumb. I usually am so distracted by the bright red necks that sometimes I forget to even watch the game.”

A recent study revealed that based on where students sit during the game, the back of the neck is the prime spot for a sunburn, as the students face east and the sun sets during the game in the west, directly focusing on the back of neck area.

The study also concluded that  alcohol consumption and sunscreen are indirectly correlated. As alcohol consumption increases, the importance and use of sunscreen drastically decreases. With these factors, there seems to be no logical solution to prevent sunburned necks.

As the weather changes, sunburnt neck rates are set to decline, though there is still a high chance that the university will be able to hit the same milestone for frostbitten fingers some time this fall.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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