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Ask the Guy Giving You Directions to the Lax House Party

Got a problem, a question, or just need to let out some feelings? Look no further than the Guy Giving You Directions to the Lax House Party, who’s just as qualified to be a consultant as anyone in the major. Let’s get to those queries!

 

Dear GGYD2TLHP,

My brother-in-law is a bit of a nuisance on Facebook. Suffice to say we are not aligned on quite a few issues. Now, I’m a live and let live person, but it’s gotten to the point where he’ll post rude comments on the statuses of my friends and colleagues and I’m worried about souring my personal relationships. What’s my best course of action?

 

Defriending in Dayton

 

Dear Defriending,

Yeah, $5 at the door for guys. Yeah. No, I—no, I can’t get you in just because I went to high school with one of the seniors on the team. No. No, I had to pay too, okay? Listen. Just—listen. It’s gonna be lit tho. Yeah. 1017 East Washington. Uh huh. I’ll te—do you know it already? No? Ok, well—yeah, yeah, when I hang up. I’ll text it to you. Cool. See you later, bro.

Dear GGYD2TLHP,

My boss seems like a decent guy, but he is prone to making sexually inappropriate comments in the office. He never says it to the women directly – only in a confidential tone to me and the other men. I’m extremely uncomfortable but also terrified about the prospect of getting fired. Do I have any recourse?

Not Sexist in Niles

 

Dear Not Sexist,

How—what? What? Bro—what? Just put in—I texted you the address! Yeah huh! Yeah huh! Uber should—what? You took a cab? Oh no, man. That wasn’t—okay. Okay. Just—do you know the Subway on Ireland? Well, it’s past that. Go past that, some, and then turn right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, Yeah, I will.

 

Dear GGYD2TLHP,

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and things have been great, minus one thing: his dog. He never really trained it and it is not taking to a new presence to the apartment too well. I don’t want my man to have to get rid of his best friend – can an old dog learn new tricks?

 

Chewed Up in Curaçao

 

Dear Chewed Up,

Yeah? Dude, I can’t—no, I can’t hear you. One sec. One sec. I’ll go outside.

::five minutes of ambient noise with intermittent footsteps::

One…minute…okay. Are you here? Well, yeah, it’s supposed to look dark from the front. Yes, no, yes, it is supposed to look dark from the front, man! It’s so the cops don’t come, you know how they busted up Wake Week last year. Last year. Just, just come around. No, not the side door. The one on the side? No, the other side door. No, man, I just—did you get it? Is that you waving? I’m wav—it’s you? No way. You brought chicks? Love it, my dude.

 

Duncan Demosthenes is a sophomore science preprofessional major from Alumni Hall whose weekly syndicated advice column, Ask The Guy Giving You Directions to the Lax House Party, appears in over 250 publications nationwide. His comments have been transcribed and formatted by The Black Sheep writer Gabriel Ostler.

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