The University of Notre Dame strives to be a place where all students can have access to the resources they need in order to be healthy, productive, and successful. However, because of limitations such as its Catholic identity or the rules of science, this is not always feasible. In an effort to ensure that their students are satisfied with their college experience, Notre Dame has developed a radical new top-secret space to provide students with their most pressing needs. The following are just a few examples of what the Room of Requirement has to offer.
8.) No Parietal Zone:
Ever needed parietals to just not exist? There’s a room for that, and it’s not the LaFun Basement at 3 a.m. Next time you hit up someone on Tinder past 2 in the morning, tell them to meet you at the Room of Requirement. We promise there are no RAs there to stop you. The magical powers of this space can even improve the gender norms at Notre Dame, so once you step inside you’ll actually be able to talk to someone of the opposite sex without alcohol or awkwardness!
7.) More Time:
Ever heard that you can only “pick 2” out of these three choices in college: social life, academics, or sleep? Well, you could have all 3 if you had enough time, couldn’t you? The Notre Dame Room of Requirement can provide just that; if needed, when you enter the room, all time will pause in the outside world while you cram for that orgo exam or even just take a well-deserved nap.
6.) Unlimited Free Coffee:
The University of Notre Dame often cannot support students’ coffee drinking habits. Your average Cavanaugh freshwoman needs at least three venti Starbucks mocha frappuccinos every day to keep them going, but soon they find themselves with $3.08 of Flex Points left, two months before the end of the semester. All those young ladies want is their caffeine fix and for their dorm to be relevant. Luckily, the Room of Requirement can satisfy all your frappuccino cravings. Something it can’t do, however, is make anyone care about Cavanaugh.
Looking for a place to live on campus that won’t cost nearly $15,000 per year? Well, with Father Jenkins’ new housing policy, it may seem like you’re out of luck at first, but you can actually live in the Room of Requirement for free! Unfortunately, it is located near the Stepan Center so you’ll probably be exposed to asbestos at some point, but, come on, free housing.
4.) Birth Control:
That’s right, the Room of Requirement has its own Walgreens and CVS pharmacies that have no religious affiliations holding them back from providing you with birth control. Here, you can pick up your prescription of choice every month without getting judgy looks from St. Liam’s employees.
Everyone at Notre Dame always talks about God being omniscient and all that blah blah blah. We don’t know about you, but that’s not why we came to college. Sometimes, what the students here really need is a nice long talk with the demon on their shoulder to encourage them to go to Zahm parties or hang a bike in a tree. Except, ideally, the demon wouldn’t be shoulder-sized; he’d be big enough to physically pressure people into breaking all the rules they’re normally to scared to break on their own. Yeah, whatever, so you can talk to Satan instead of God if you really need to in the Room. It’s not a big deal. Just don’t tell your parents, okay?
2.) The Gipper’s Head:
In 2016, a neuroscience student named Connor McCarthy wanted to dissect the brain of the Gipper, the Notre Dame football player who died in 1920 during his senior year. Unfortunately, because this research proposal came 92 years after the death of the Gipper, the entire brain had already decayed, so the university was not able to provide McCarthy with the Gipper’s noggin. The Room of Requirement has no such limitations, however, so we procured the Gipper’s head for his project. Okay, and we also really just thought it would be pretty cool if we had the Gipper’s head. For science.
Sometimes there are too many Katies from Chicago running around, and the Notre Dame Room of Requirement gets that. That’s why the university has thousands of applicants from culturally diverse backgrounds who did not get accepted to Notre Dame stored in the Room of Requirement—by conversing with them, Notre Dame students can become more well-rounded people. Some people have suggested that, alternatively, the university could become more diverse in their acceptance policies, but of course that’s an absolutely absurd idea.
Disclaimer: The University of Notre Dame’s Room of Requirement makes no claim to have connections with the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is not some Harry Potter shit, this is real life.
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