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Cool Dorm Priest Performs Transubstantiation with Bag of Franzia

Sunday – Howard Hall, Notre Dame’s coolest and best-known dorm, has become the home of the chilliest priest around: Father Patrick O’Doherty. Father Pat, or “Paddy Daddy” as he requests to be called, has been trying to breathe new youthful vigor into the church without sacrificing traditionalism.

“Paddy Daddy likes to keep it litty titty, naw mean?” exclaimed Father Pat, “That’s why I started using bagged wine for the blood of Christ rather than just pouring it in a chalice. It’s for the kids, man.”

That’s right – Father Pat has substituted the wine usually used for the Eucharistic Rites with bagged Franzia, commonly seen at dorm parties. Bagged wine is generally used to play the drinking game “slap the bag,” Father Pat has incorporated this into communion with an accessible yet traditional tag line. When students partake in Holy Communion, Father Pat shouts “Slap the Blood!” and shouts “Chug, chug, chug,” as the students try to receive as much of the blood of Christ as they possibly can.

Spencer Williams, class of 2019, noted, “Yeah, it’s really cool. He makes church seem like a party, you know? I mean, now that we play slap the bag at mass, it’s just like a dorm party without any smicks. So, basically, it’s like a dorm party, but better, you know?”

But not all students are sure about the change. Katie Katherines, class of 2020, lamented, “I think it’s great that he’s trying to spice things up, but playing slap the bag with the Blood of Christ? That seems a little disrespectful, to me. Plus, why does he use Franzia? I would rather chug actual blood. I mean, that stuff tastes like the piss of Christ, you know what I mean? Oh God, I’m going to have to go to confession for that joke.”

When asked to expand further, Father Pat explained:

“So before I was Paddy Daddy and I was just lil’ bro Paddy, I was chilling in the seminary. And I noticed, hey, we have a lot of Franzia. But we’re all children of God, so we weren’t going to be partying. So I asked Big Man Abbot like ‘Hey big man! Why do we have all this Franzia?’ Turns out that was the wine we used for the transubstantiation all along! So I figured I’d get rid of the middle-man, just use the bag, and go down in church history as a freaking legend.”

In fact, the actions of Father Pat have been catching on in the international scene. The Vatican is reportedly in talks on the canonization of Father Patrick as Saint Paddy Daddy.

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