Senior business major Anna Vincent was unexpectedly awoken last Tuesday night when her biological clock delivered a roundhouse kick to the uterus.
The off-campus student reported that she was just beginning to have a dream about her ideal relationship and the eventual family that would result from the pairing. “When I was a freshman, I imagined that I might meet a guy from an at least upper middle-class background and fall in love,” she told reporters. “He’d probably be Irish American like my family, or maybe Scandinavian American or some sort of French or German or English or Austrian or Polish or maybe even Russian… probably not Spanish though…”
Vincent continued on a lengthy list of ethnicities, pausing only to ask if “Caucasoid” was a word she was still allowed to say.
“Anyway, I definitely imagined that he would have a BA and maybe even an MBA from Notre Dame, like my dad and my brother and my other brother and several of my cousins, and I thought, what better time to meet him than as an undergrad?”
Vincent expressed dismay that in her time at Notre Dame she hadn’t yet entered a serious relationship, citing the fact that she had casually dated at least three boys over the years but hadn’t really felt the need or desire to cultivate those relationships further.
“I’ve always been kind of like a free spirit, you know? I really didn’t want to spend all of my time in undergrad on just one guy, especially when things get complicated. Like, summer breaks happen, and we might not always have the same schedules, right?”
But now Vincent has to contend with the ever-shrinking timetable before her, and the low probability that her usual pattern of downloading, deleting and redownloading Tinder will deliver a meaningful relationship.
“I’m really concerned that I’m not going to have this huge catalog of… uh… safe boys to choose from for much longer. I mean, I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t want to enter a different dating pool because I don’t want to date guys who are poor or guys who aren’t white, but those guys just seem so… uh… so much less… uh… safe…”
Anna Vincent would like to stress that she isn’t looking for the stereotypical ring-by-spring, but if her future fiancée happens to be reading this she expects at least 2.5 carats. She would also like to say that she isn’t interested in red, yellow, black, brown, or chocolate diamonds.
“I’m a traditional girl,” she said, “I prefer them white.”
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