After days of lofting beds and carrying suitcases into bright-eyed freshman’s rooms, Dillon Hall RA, Trevor McNabb is looking forward to relaxing during this semester’s syllabus week. In his comforted state of mind, McNabb is blissfully unaware that one of his residents has just pooped in the hall.
Last night, Dillon resident Bobby Johnson, drunkenly squatted down in the middle of the hallway, and pooped right in front of his dorm. According to Johnson’s gross friend Same, who witnessed the crime, “it was hilarious, but you had to be there.”
“Jesus!” McNabb yelled, after being met face-to-face with the nice little deuce. “It’s a freakin’ Tuesday! I knew I’d be scrubbing puke off the carpets this week, but not… um…this.”
It’s since been concluded that McNabb is not the only RA who’s had to clean up fecal matter from carpets. Last year, Keenan Hall had four poop incidents, a new university record.
“We knights of Keenan Hall were pretty proud of the record, but now it’s getting a bit out of hand,” an anonymous Keenan pooper stated. “I did it for no reason at all, and these copycat poopers all over campus are really harshing my vibe.”
McNabb has now washed his hands 22 times in the last twelve hours, and the eager smile has already been wiped from his face.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.