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Engineer Realizes They’re Not Fun When Asked to Produce a Fun Fact

During his first class of the semester, a Tuesday morning 8 a.m., junior Craig Rosenstein had a startling realization: he was not fun.

“I kept racking my brain, trying to come up with exciting stuff like ‘I had a pet fish once’ and ‘I painted my room over the summer,’ but nothing seemed right,” said Rosenstein, a computer engineering major. “I’ve always wanted to be an interesting person, but fun is simply not what I am.”

The realization occurred during Rosenstein’s Programming Paradigms course, where the professor encouraged students to share a fun fact about themselves. After spending several minutes in awkward silence, Rosenstein was forced to confront the truth.

“On some level, I think that I always knew that I was boring. It’s something I’ve had to live with all of my life. While everyone else was playing kickball, I was reprogramming the family PC and collecting rock samples,” Rosenstein confessed. But coming up empty when asked to produce a fun fact helped me realize that I don’t have a choice about this. I was born this way.”

Rosenstein’s close friend, finance major Jake Roscoe, wasn’t shocked by the news.

“From the very beginning, we had our suspicions that he wasn’t any fun,” said Roscoe. “It just became more and more obvious as time went on. But we don’t love him any less–or feel any particular way about him, really. He’s Craig, y’know? He’s the same guy we’ve always known.”

Roscoe went on to say that Rosenstein would often leave parties early, claiming a headache or test the next morning. Other times, Rosenstein would disappear for minutes or even hours at a time, trying to concoct exciting stories to tell his friends when he returned, only to come up with such excuses as “I got lost following the tracks of a spotted raccoon,” or “the screws on the bathroom door are just fascinating.”

Rosenstein spends his free time vacuuming, organizing his tax forms, researching different varieties of topsoil, and building model trains. He has yet to come clean to his parents, and confessed he’s a little worried about how they will take the news.

Reflecting on situation, he then stated, “In a way, they probably saw it coming. I actually have an uncle who’s boring.”

After coming to terms with his condition, Rosenstein hopes to continue to live his unexciting life in peace. He plans to graduate early and move to North Dakota, where he will work from home writing computer codes and spend his free time designing novelty toothbrushes.

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