Vice President for Student Affairs and confirmed living human Erin Hoffmann Harding surprised onlookers this weekend when, in the middle of yet another student body townhall meeting, she brandished an officially licensed University of Notre Dame™ letter opener and began sawing through her third and fourth costae verae rib bones.
The administrator had apparently reached a breaking point after enduring twenty minutes of a Q&A consisting entirely of undergraduate students openly disparaging literally every single action the Division of Student Affairs has undertaken in recent memory.
As she continued to saw, she openly declared to no one in particular:
“I just get really tired of everyone always saying negative things about my programming, okay?! I have to give all these rich brats a ‘quality dorm experience,’ or whatever that means, all while trying to keep their even richer and brattier parents from cutting off donations to the school! I mean—”
At that she rolled up the sleeve of her blazer and plunged her fist through her ribcage to rip her own heart out. She then held it up for all twelve of the students who turned out to DeBartolo 101 for the meeting to see.
“—LOOK!! SEE!? I have a heart! Just like every other person in this room…”
Observers quickly noted that while the organ presented was clearly a heart, it was also incredibly atrophied. It was as if it had not been used since, say, 2012 (the year Ms. Harding joined the President’s Leadership Council).
Harding herself was surprised to realize that even though her heart was now in her hand and no longer pumping blood through her body, she did not suffer any negative effects and later confessed to feeling like she could now be even more effective at carrying out the will of ND’s administration and donors.
Ms. Harding reportedly did not know what to do with the disembodied heart, but shortly thereafter agents representing the Congregation of the Holy Cross arrived at the meeting.
The agents confiscated Harding’s heart, reportedly meaning to store it in the basement of the Snite Museum of Art. Though this portion of the facility is not open to the public, the Holy Cross agents assure that the heart will be protected along with all of the other unused Notre Dame relics including the University Architect’s eyes, Fr. Jenkins’ Vow of Poverty, and the brains of all the people who will criticize this article while the administration it lampoons continue to crash this university into the ground.
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