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Father Jenkins Plans To Attract New Donors By Bragging About His BDE

In order for the university to keep spending absurd amounts of cash on rooftop landscapes and athlete dinners, Notre Dame has to continuously find new and creative ways to coax stacks of bills from donor’s pockets. 

“I plan on bragging about the most impressive instrument at our disposal,” Jenkins explained. “My big dick energy, of course.”

The idea occurred to Jenkins as he was online one night, mercilessly trolling the liberal community on campus. Suddenly, he came across an unfamiliar phrase—”big dick energy.”

“I immediately identified with it, of course,” Jenkins said. “How could I not?”

Upon further research, Jenkins explored the other meanings of the phrase. Confident, influential, powerful, and widely admired.

“I’m not any of those things, of course,” Jenkins admitted. “But I still liked it.”

But now that he knew this phrase, he needed a way to make it work for his advantage. How could he brag about his most valuable asset, while still collecting checks left and right? Then, he had an epiphany.

“I thought, ‘what do rich people love more than anything?’ A white guy, in a position of power, bragging about his…endowments.”

And he’s not wrong. Since Jenkins had begun his BDE campaign, Notre Dame’s funds have been cock—I mean, chock—full of new donations.

“It’s a revelation,” Erin Hoffman Harding gushed. “I mean, not to me, of course. But to the donors.”

Jenkins couldn’t agree more, saying, “And if you don’t believe me, just look at my Crossroads! I mean, Notre Dame’s Crossroads.”

Oh Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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