As the academic year draws to a close, the Office of the President has released its first official statement on its goals moving into the 2018-2019 year.
“I want to assure both current and prospective students that this university will remain on the path it has been on since I was elected,” said Reverend John L. Jenkins, “which is to say one that is expensive and very downhill.”
The statement cited a number of unpopular campus initiatives such as Campus Crossroads, the coming three year on-campus residential requirement, and the establishment of bystander awareness group “greeNDot” to combat unrelated criticisms that campus administrators habitually defend athletes accused of sexual assault from facing prosecution.
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When asked about his process, Jenkins had this to say:
“In my time as president, I have learned to utilize a multilateral approach in utterly disserving the undergraduate community. I have found that continually isolating myself from students informs my actions so that they are both incredibly tone deaf and impractical to nearly all students.
However, I could hardly do so little with so much money if I didn’t have ample support from other administrators on campus. The Leadership Council has been a perfect echo chamber where my associates and I can put our equally out-of-touch heads together and see what we come up with. We renovated a football stadium with more money than is in the entire economy of Micronesia! If that isn’t a gaudy display of elitism I don’t know what is.”
Initial plans for things no one asked for or wants were released as well:
– All students will now be required to purchase a full, 21-swipes per week meal plan (at an additional $500 fee per semester). Flex points will be eliminated; fruit juice will now cost 2 points at Grab ‘N Go.
– Taco Bell will be replaced with a Chick-fil-A, but only football players and whichever 3 female athletes we care about at the time will be allowed to eat there.
– All of South Quad will be excavated and placed on North Quad; all of Mod Quad will be excavated and placed on South Quad.
– Female students will be fitted with semi-permanent beeping collars that will alert hall staff of girls breaking parietals. There will now be special “gay parietals” for homosexual and questioning students; particularly feminine male students will also wear collars.
– To access their final grades, students will now be required to write polite yet firm letters to Pope Francis suggesting that Jenkins be considered for beatification immediately after death.
Fr. Jenkins’ final statement dealt with the necessity of undermining an entire institution.
“I really hoped that this school could have been one of those Ivy Plus schools, like MIT or Stanford, but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. I’d rather crash our school into the ground than be president of a school in the same category as Duke, Vanderbilt, Rice and (gasp) Northwestern.”
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