Currently climbing the Billboard charts is “God’s Plan,” the newest single from music titan and noted fan of whatever team is currently in first in their respective league, Drake. The catchy tune making the rounds at overhyped pregames everywhere has also drawn the attention of Notre Dame’s administration, who today took the unusual step of issuing a joint statement with campus theologians to assert that the song “basically falls right in step with what we’ve been thinking about the Divine Plan this whole time.”
“We all know the Lord God has a plan for humanity, and we expect people to be able to read into the fluctuations in the fortunes of successful white people inured from real-world consequences and intuit what His plan is exactly,” said Fr. Ernst Van Barter, CSC. “What we didn’t expect was for Mr. Drake to spell it out in such a viable and infectious way in his latest compact disc recording.”
Van Barter pointed to the song lyrics as being grounded in some of the deepest roots of Catholic tradition.
“’Bad things / It’s a lot of bad things /That they wishin’ and wishin’ and wishin’ and wishin’ / They wishin’ on me?’ I mean, do I have to spell it out? Being deemed to execution, then forced to wear the crown of thorns and bear the heavy load of the cross—these are all objectively bad things that were wished upon Jesus Christ.”
Brandishing a printout from genius.com, Van Barter added, “Much like Drake, Jesus too was ‘tryna keep it peaceful,’ and it was a struggle for him as well.”
Other theologians, including the secretly depraved seminarians found in Old College and the absolute fucking weirdos who decided to major in the subject, concurred with Van Barter’s assessment, pointing to other prophetic lines.
“I don’t want to die for them to miss me,” was frequently compared to Jesus screaming, “FATHER, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME,” as “Hope I got some brothers that outlive me / They gon’ tell the story, shit was different with me,” was said to clearly speak to the surviving disciples and the ensuing penning of the New Testament.
For their part, the administration was complimentary of the religious subtext found in the song and the good research done to uncover such linkage, as well as enthused about how Drake’s words backed up their decisions as figures of authority.
“There is no doubt that today we are indebted to all eight to twelve people on campus who have actually read the Holy Bible,” stated Vice President for Student Affairs Erin Hoffmann Harding. “It is always a challenge, attempting to captivate a modern audience with the teachings of Christ, and we hope that through this endorsement we can interest more students in the real Plan of God.”
Harding went on to say, “Additionally, the lines ‘She said, “Do you love me?” I tell her, “Only partly” / I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry’ not only invoke the sixth commandment of honoring one’s father and mother, but clearly corroborate the campus parietals policy, as it says ‘my bed,’ not ‘a swaddle of sin and sheets shared with any harlot that wishes to freely express his or her sexuality’.’”
At press time, the administration had taken the further step of renaming the Basilica’s vestibule “Marvin’s Room,” as well as instructing dorm priests to start off each confession by asking “Are you high right now? Do you love this shit? Do you ever get nervous?”