An early Easter miracle came to Notre Dame this week when what can only be explained as a Marian apparition with only one small caveat, was reported Monday evening at the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes.
At around 9 p.m., senior architecture major Bernie Soubirous was praying that God would help him find literally any job when he spotted and enigmatic figure atop its rocks.
“I saw the indescribably graceful silhouette of the Holy Mother looking down from amongst the leafy foliage atop the Grotto,” Soubirous said. “At first I thought she must have been really far away or something, but then I realized that she was actually just incredibly tiny.”
Soubirous stressed that he was only about as drunk as the average Notre Dame student on any given weeknight, having only had four beers, and so was very confident in his estimation that this vision of Mary was roughly one-seventh the size of the real thing.
The sighting was the latest in a series of fractional miracles observed at the Grotto, including the curing of one seventh of a penitent woman’s lupus at the site and the eventual discovery of one seventh of a missing child following a prayer service.
Resident theologian Prof. Steven Antonius offered some insight into the incidents:
“My examination of ancient Christian texts seems to illustrate a God who really doesn’t appreciate worshippers who half-ass things. The Grotto is supposed to be a recreation of the Grotto of Massabielle in France where a vision of Mary was seen, but the builders could only be bothered to make something not even a seventh of the size and consisting of garbage rocks from midwest dairy farms. It’s no surprise that Mary could only be bothered to send a small portion of herself, and God is only helping people a fraction of what he would at a real holy place.”
Prof. Antonius has recommended expanding the Grotto but has been consistently hindered by administrator insistence that such an expansion would have to include luxury amenities and private box seating to be economically feasible.
Bernie Soubirous reported that while he was unable to secure a job even after seeing the vision of Mary, he did receive something roughly one seventh as good in the mail: a brochure on how to apply for welfare.
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