Local student Faith Etheridge plans on making a major romantic power move this Valentine’s Day. Faith has only recently gone on a fourth date with male peer Seamus Culligan, and irresponsibly accepted his proposal for a semi-formal Valentine’s meal at the Olive Garden or potentially Chicory Café.
Faith reports that she remains a virgin, depending on how strictly one uses the term, and is thus concerned that the two hours she has allotted for the date may graduate to a Notre Dame Hookup or potentially even a Real Hookup.
Distraught that she might have to communicate her boundaries directly,Faith instead searched for some subtle way to hint at or imply her desire to wait for that level of physical interaction.
Like most Notre Dame Catholics, she found her answer in the absolute center of morality on campus: the brochure rack in the vestibule of her dorm chapel.
Between two different information booklets on illegitimate college pregnancies, Ms. Etheridge found a leaflet imprinted with the words “Worried About Valentine’s Day 2018? Try Ash Wednesday 2018 Instead!”
The pamphlet explains:
“Hallelujah! The Lord Savior Jesus Christ hath organized this year’s calendar to minimize the likelihood for awkwardness on this, the day of your obligatory Valentine’s Day date.
Our precious Son, Father and Holy Ghost has made available the most potent of all cock block! The holy ashes of this holy Ash Wednesday have long served as a way for believers to say ‘Hey, I got up at 7 a.m. this morning to get this stuff smudged on my head FOR JESUS! What’s your excuse, heathen!?!” And now they will help you, somewhat virginal daughter of Christ, tell the world that tonight is exclusively an over-the-underwear affair…
2 out of the 3 major positions of heterosexual intercourse leave the forehead visible to the man, and those ashes will make him feel so guilty about his wicked perversion on this fourth holiest day of the year!”
Inspired, Faith fully determined to go to Ash Wednesday Mass… before realizing that she would have to wake up at 7:30 on a weekday.
She then set the more realistic goal of storing two rosaries in her purse. If things started getting too heavy that evening, Faith resolved that she would first request that the two say the Our Father together before quickly jumping out the window.
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