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Legends, Den of Debauchery and Sin, to be Torn Down and Replaced by Wholesome, Christian Parking Garage

Thursday, February 22nd—Notre Dame administrators made a piss-poor attempt at giving the appearance of getting student input on yet another horrifically bad decision they have already made.

A survey about tearing down Legends, which at no point mentions that it exists entirely to justify tearing down Legends, was sent out by Executive Vice President John Affleck-Graves.

A member of the “Parking Committee” (a unit apparently tasked with increasing parking availability for football tourists while also causing maximum inconvenience to students), Mr. Affleck-Graves thought it appropriate to only passively reference the destruction of a highly utilized campus facility by burying such an idea deep within a boring email he knew almost no one would read.

Though Mr. Affleck-Graves has been a member of the Notre Dame faculty since 1986, in the last three decades he has reportedly never actually seen Notre Dame campus nor any of the dozen or so on-campus parking lots which any rational individual might consider building a parking garage on first.

Though he is apparently so distant from the student body as to be unaware of how central many Legends events are to campus culture, the Executive Vice President has reportedly walked through the Sculpture Park at least once (making him one of the eight people to have walked through the Park since it opened, including three drunk students who have regularly used the park as a lavatory).

“I feel that the Sculpture Park is an essential aspect of Notre Dame life,” Mr. Affleck-Graves was quoted as saying by an outside source, “where would all the criminals who hide out in the park waiting to jump students be without it? But Legends? Only thousands of students utilize it on a monthly basis. Totally expendable!”

When questioned about the apparent dissonance in claiming that the construction of the parking garage was to provide parking for the “Notre Dame Community” (and for sure not to make things slightly more convenient for the rich donor football tourists who are here for six days out of the year), Affleck-Graves avoided talking about how the parking garage would be nearly a mile away from the nearest residence hall and isolated from nearly all of the academic spaces on campus.

“We have experienced ‘the opening of several new facilities on the south side of campus,’ and we’re just not going to talk about how what I mean is Duncan Student Center which explicitly serves on-campus students who probably don’t own cars. We’re also not going to talk about how my colleague, Erin Hoffman Harding, will be requiring students to live on campus for three years meaning that even fewer students will have cars and need parking.”

Though literally no one was satisfied with this incredibly stupid approach to making more parking on campus, the Parking Committee also offered further information on the career “transition” which will be offered to the current employees of Legends who will be displaced by wrecking balls crashing into the half-century old building where they work:

“We’re going to make them work weeknights at Star Ginger Asian Grill before we quietly fire them in July when no one is on campus to bitch about it.”

VINE POWER HOUR:

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