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6 Lenten Promises to Exchange for The Ones You’ve Already Failed

We are currently six days into Lent. That means that a lot of you are already regretting some unrealistic Lenten Promise that you’re either looking to get out of or have already broken. So instead of trying to stop doing something ridiculous like eating sweets or hooking up with that guy everyone says is bad for you, try out these suggestions of more sustainable Lenten Promises.

6.) Drunk visits to Taco Bell:
Look, we get it. It’s 3 AM and no other food places on campus are open—let alone any of the healthy ones, which seem to close promptly at 5 PM. (Looking at you, Modern Market.) The problem with Taco Bell is there’s no moderation. Everyone knows that one cheese quesadilla leads to five and then you’re in a really deep hole. Best to just fast or eat an entire bag of Skinny Pop in your bed while crying.

5.) Parietals:
Just give them up! Don’t think too much about it. There’s many options for you to truly keep this Lenten promise. You could have someone of the opposite sex move in with you, full-time, for forty days. You could stay a minute after midnight or 2 AM every evening watching a G-rated movie with a platonic friend of the opposite sex and get forty Reslifes to prove your commitment to the cause.

4.) Snapchats of the Dome:
Literally everyone in your life knows you go to Notre Dame. Even your Aunt Milly who left the family twelve years ago to live in Peru without a cell phone is well aware of your residence in South Bend, Indiana. Therefore, it shouldn’t be too difficult of a sacrifice to give up posting daily snapchats of the Dome on your story. It’s only forty days. Then you can go right back to putting up that awesome glamor shot everyone just has to see.

3.) Feve:
If you’re not a freshmen, you should’ve given this up already. But, hey, who are we to judge.

2.) Your Current Hookup:
We said earlier that ditching your current slam piece was impossible, but it might just be worth a shot. You’ve been hooking up with Jack from Zahm for a couple months now but you don’t see a ring in the near future and he won’t ever see you in the daytime. Plus, like, you’ve definitely been meaning to break things off with him for a week or two, and Lent gives you the perfect excuse. If you’re leaving Jack for Jesus, he has to understand, right?

1.) Condoms:
Condoms are clearly a vehicle for sinful pleasure, so it’s best that you give them up for good, but you can ease your way in with Lent. Also, Notre Dame’s refusal to provide students with contraception in any capacity makes this one really simple to accomplish! The only danger here are the roving packs of liberals that want people to practice “safe sex,” whatever that means. Just let them know you respect Jesus’ suffering on the cross through the sacred vessel of raw dogging.

You don’t want to be doomed to eternal damnation for something stupid like Twizzlers do you? No, so get goin’ on one of these six and we’ll see y’all in heaven. 

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