Wednesday morning, a figure of searing holy light descended from heaven and called a press conference to comment on changes related the recent rebranding of the Christian afterlife.
Vice Secretary to the Desk of the Eternal Lord and archangel, Michael, stated that “following recent market research, which found that interest in the Christian concept of the afterlife has waned in recent years across nearly all demographics, administrators from the highest spheres of heaven were exploring strategies to make dying as a Christian more hip and modern.”
Recent changes, including the conversion of a previously undeveloped endless glimmering meadow to an open-air outlet mall and the installation of a juice bar in Limbo, signaled a shift in priorities for Christian divinity. Michael announced an unprecedented step: a long-term contract with Columbia Records to have Mariah Carey’s Christmas standard “All I Want for Christmas is You” played endlessly across Purgatory for all eternity.
The archangel stated:
“We are committed to providing the highest quality service possible to all those who plan on dying, and we do not want to ignore the overwhelming majority of people who ultimately won’t be good enough for Heaven but not outstandingly bad enough for Hell. We felt that since the entire world has been semiconsciously listening to this repetitive but mostly uninsulting song since 1994, it was a perfect fit for the mind-numbing eternity found in Purgatory.”
The song first began playing in Purgatory on December 1st, and reception has been highly positive.
Francis Wilder, a Puritan woman who has been walking backwards through the desert with her eyes sewn shut for the last four-hundred and fifty years said that the music was “a welcome change from the endless looping of the ‘Canticle of the Sun,’” which had been playing since the idea of Purgatory was invented by theologians in the 11th century.
Ms. Wilder added:
“I really appreciate that Carey’s belting drowns out the cries of all the unbaptized babies around here, they’ve really become a major annoyance since hearing is my primary sense now.”
Archangel Michael did not offer many details on upcoming improvements, but did state that his associates were in talks to license Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe” to play in the deepest, most horrific circles of Hell.
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