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New Notre Dame Healthcare Policy Declares Original Sin to be a Preexisting Condition

On the heels of the news that no-cost contraceptive coverage will no longer be offered under Notre Dame’s health care plan, the university has announced further policy change, declaring Original Sin to be a preexisting condition ineligible for medical compensation.

 

University representative Alan Scruff explained the motives behind the expansion.

“For years, we’ve been looking at ways to lash out at female autonomy,” stated Scruff. “We’ve tried every means of controlling their behavior, through legislative and societal means. But that pesky need for human dignity kept popping up. Then, suddenly, in the middle of a meeting, one of our priests stood up and said, ‘Guys—we have a book that says this is all their fault!’”

 

This, of course, refers to the Original Sin, referenced in the Bible, that resulted in Adam and Eve getting thrown out of the Garden of Eden and commencing the suffering of all mankind. Father Steve Brown was the one who pointed out the oft-overlooked technicality.

 

“It just hit me,” said Brown. “Why go through this rigmarole of picking and choosing Bible passages to suppress the activity of all those who aren’t straight white men when we could just go back to Genesis and call it a day? I mean, come on. She ate the apple. I say that’s enough to revoke the 19th Amendment.”

 

Under this new expanded policy, women will have to pay out of their own pocket for such things as contraception, tampons, epidurals, and asthma medication, as all things related to female breathing stem from Adam giving his rib to create woman.

 

Students and employees covered by the university’s plan reacted with disappointment.

 

“Like 15% of women in this country, I have to take birth control for health reasons,” said graduate student Maureen Mykonos. “If I can’t prove to some random doctor that my medical condition requires the use of this medication, my insurance plan is more ineffective than Adam and Eve’s parenting.”

 

Mykonos paused, thinking, then continued:

 

“And even if I just wanted it to have safe, worry-free, casual sex, I don’t think the institution that couldn’t keep tabs on their priests’ activities should be worried about what I’m doing with my body, consensually.”

 

Despite backlash, Notre Dame’s new healthcare policy has already gone into effect. At press time, a female undergrad at the ER seeking treatment for a snake bite was being questioned on if she was “asking for it.”

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