You’re packed into the backseat of an Uber with three of your friends after an epic night at Finnies. Your eyes are glazed over, and you’re desperately trying not to yak all over your favorite shirt. Suddenly, you pull up to a small brown building, and a warm glow radiates from the inside. You’ve finally made it to the Promised Land — Nick’s Patio. But the danger doesn’t end there. Now comes the really hard part: salvaging what miniscule Nick’s Patio reputation you still have left. Chances are you’re too drunk to start focusing on what you should do, so let’s just take a look at what you absolutely should not do.
6.) Fall asleep at the table:
If you don’t fall asleep with your head cradled against the faded booth cushion, did you even pound $3 tequila shots at the bar earlier?
5.) Puke in the bathroom stall. Or on the sidewalk outside. Or at the table while the waitress is setting down your Denver skillet:
I’m proud to say that this little tidbit of advice comes from my very own personal experience: For you Sober Sallys who are monitoring the rest of the group, a piece of advice—the most crucial puke-moment of the night comes between the second and third bite of the fried onion ring platter. Remember: vigilance is key.
4.) Try to befriend the waitress:
This woman is waiting on plastered college kids at 2:34 a.m. in South Bend, Indiana. She won’t react kindly to your drunken “What dorm are you in?” Just opt for the 67% tip and loud, slurred gushing at the end of the meal instead.
3.) Try to befriend other tables:
We’re all here for the same thing: mediocre breakfast food and fluorescent lighting. Strawberry French toast is remarkably less enjoyable with Allison from McGlinn leaning over your booth and asking you where you got your top. No one’s here to make friends.
2.) Spill literally anything:
Fourteen “sorrys” and three soaking wet paper towels won’t change the fact that the Nick’s Patio people hate you and always will. And those bitches never forget a face.
1.) Drop your entire carton of leftovers on the carpet while getting out your credit card at the cashier’s desk:
This is in no way inspired by true events. People will get very very mad at you when you do this and they will look at you and you’re just standing there, in a crowded restaurant as like, very sober South Bend natives come in for breakfast.
Warm weather is probably hopefully for the love of God around the corner, and the last shred of dignity you have is not totally fucking everything up at Nick’s after several hours of drinking. Don’t blow this. But if you do, please let us know about it on Twitter.