*Camera zooms in on Chris Harrison in front of the rented Copper Shamrock “mansion” directly across from the main entrance to campus*
“This year, on the Notre Dame Bachelorette…”
This season of The Notre Dame Bachelorette has been the craziest one yet! There was love, there was laughter, there were disturbing amounts of Natty Lite. Here are the highlights from the most drama-filled choice since the student body presidential election.
In the opening week, our ND Bachelorette, Katie deChicago, had her first look at her leading men. The first to step out of the UberXL was Bill Templeton, a junior engineering major from Knott Hall.
“Hopefully I’ll walk out with my wife at the end of this,” Templeton said in a hopeful tone. But his hopes were dashed upon realizing that when confronted with a pretty girl, he no longer had the power of coherent speech. When Katie tried to ask him about his hobbies, he was incapable of talking about anything other than alternating currents and absolute pressure for 20 minutes straight.
“I think he’s having trouble opening up,” Katie said. “I just want to get to know him.”
Later on in the season, Katie took the Alumni Senior, Matt Newport, out on a one-on-one bowling date to the legendary Strikes and Spares. Matt knew this would be the perfect place to show off his many “skills.”
“I don’t think she’s ever met anyone that can drink as much as me. Or bowl as well as me. Or handle money as well as me. So, no, I’m not worried, because I’m just a really real kind of guy.”
However, things did not end well for Matt, who was sent home at the end of Week 3.
“She’s just kind of a bitch, really. Like, I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but she made a huge mistake sending me home. She’s going to regret it later. All of the guys here are total losers.”
Matt went on to say that things worked out pretty well for him, as he felt uneasy spending so much time away from his trust fund.
One of the audience’s favorite contestants, Morrissey resident David Moreau, was also one of Katie’s top choices toward the end of the program. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before,” she happily gushed. “I can feel myself falling for him.”
Of course, everybody remembers the moment Katie was left in tears when David came to the realization that he wanted to dedicate his life to the priesthood.
“Honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted until I came on this show,” he said. “But Katie really opened my eyes, and now I know that God is the only one for me.”
Another popular contestant this season, Zahm finance major Jack George, was known by all the viewers at home for his penchant to whip off his shirt and shotgun a beer at any available opportunity. His passionate interactions with Katie also drew the attention of the other male contestants.
“We all know he’s here for the wrong reasons,” Sted’s resident Mark Blaine said angrily. “I just hope that she can see he’s got worse intentions than…well, than a Zahm guy pursuing a girl.”
Jack was later sent home after nine separate women came forward with claims that he had maintained relationships with all of them at the same time.
But, ultimately, it was Eric Spalding, the history major from Fisher Hall, that won Katie’s heart.
“I had to make some really hard decisions,” Katie admitted. “But when he bought me that vodka-cranberry at Newfs, I knew he was the one.”
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