In wake of the 60th anniversary of the announcement of the construction of Hesburgh Library, campus architects have confirmed that the structure was actually an experiment to observe whether people would tolerate a building that by all standards is an absolute aesthetic dumpster fire so long as it has an image of Jesus Christ on it.
92-year-old James O’Sullivan, a member of the original architectural team that oversaw the construction of the library, gave The Black Sheep exclusive information on the building:
“Basically, they gave us three months and unlimited funding to come up with a concept for the library. We accidentally spent all of our time and money on malt liquor, and so we had to improvise on presentation day. My coworker glued a crucifix to a cardboard box, and thus Hesburgh was born!”
O’Sullivan stated that Fr. Hesburgh at first took issue with the plans because he disliked its original name, “Memorial Library.” However, Hesburgh greenlit the project after administration secretly promised to rename it after him after his retirement, when it would be considered socially acceptable to do so. After initial blueprints were drawn up, an administrator at the time commented that the building seemed “brutally cold, and just looking at it seemed to sap creativity and individuality.” This comment led Hesburgh to pour even more money into the project.
“We figured that if the building was just an ugly beige box, they would eventually demolish it,” remarked O’Sullivan. “To remedy this, we permanently spackled an image of Jesus onto it so they could never knock it down.”
The strategy worked, and for nearly 60 years the objectively horrible building has somehow not been torn down. In fact, thousands of quarter dog-eating, sloshed tourists come to snap photographs with the affectionately named, “TouchDown Jesus” every year. Now, as there has been a recent push for more construction, administrators believe that they can replicate this strategy on other architectural disasters around campus in an effort to save money and resources. Administrators expect to observe an overwhelmingly positive response to this, and hope that they can lure more tourists to campus through this method as well.
An incomplete list of terrible buildings that will have a tile image of Jesus glued to their side include: Hayes-Healy, Riley Hall of Art and Design, North Dining Hall, the Power Plant, Fisher Hall, Pangborn Hall, Nieuwland Science Hall, O’Shaugnessey, Galvin Life Science Center, Flanner Hall, Grace Hall, Stepan Center, Every Fischer Grad Student Building, and Debartolo.