Despite Easter being considered the most important holiday of the Catholic Church, every year it’s completely dwarfed by the excitement and commercial appeal of Christmas. A giant rabbit shitting colored eggs is nowhere near being more appealing than a fat old man coming down the chimney to hand out pricey gifts. That’s why, this Easter Season, Mendoza major Sean Kingston is on a mission to “spice things up,” and re-commercialize Easter.
“Easter is important! Someone rose from the dead, and dammit, I’ve only seen that happen one other time, when I shook a girl on a bench outside of North Dining Hall the morning after Zahm Zoo,” Kingston began to say. “All Easter needs to take off is a better marketing team and a top of the line agent for the Easter Bunny so that he can compete with Santa.”
“First, just like Jesus came out of the cave, we’re going to have EB come out of the closet on Holy Friday. That’ll really snag the media’s attention. This may put us on rockier terms with the Catholic Church at first, but ultimately they’ll forgive us because we’ll earn a nice sum off the publicity. The end goal is for Netflix to make a documentary on EB’s life as a homosexual bunny. Soon enough, anyone who doesn’t pour money into Gay Easter™️ will be seen as homophobic, and blammo, it’s Christmas in April.”
Other than more attention for the Easter Bunny, Kingston hopes to live to see a day when Easter baskets are filled with 24k gold nuggets and Gucci bracelets instead of, as he disdainfully calls them, “gaudy fake eggs and nightmarish plastic grass.”
We asked why he was so passionate about starting this movement. “It’s never been about the money,” Kingston said. “It’s always been about hustling every day to honor our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This is what he would’ve wanted.”
Kingston paused and mumbled under his breath, “And so that I can make more money than that damn rapper who stole my name.”
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: