The Black Sheep at Notre Dame was granted an exclusive interview of one of the university’s most elusive and longest serving employees: a crucifix permanently installed in a dorm room on the second floor of Pangborn. The crucifix allowed for the full text of the interview to be reproduced below.
The Black Sheep: Hello and good afternoon!
Crucifix: What the hell is so good about it?! That horrid Badin girl living in my room still hasn’t dumped the trash bag of sanitary pads and beer vomit she tied up and left underneath me last Saturday, and I’m pretty sure a stinkbug was getting friendly with my feet last night.
TBS: I’m sorry to hear that, I hope that this interview will help brighten your day, though! Are you ready to start the interview?
C: Wait, just a sec…
(Crucifix un-nails his right hand and reached under his Holy Tunic to “adjust himself” before re-nailing his hand back to the cross)
… alright, ready whenever.
TBS: Great! Would you like to introduce yourself?
C: Introduce myself?! I’m a goddamn crucifix…
TBS: I’m sorry, I just-
C: …but if you must know, most of my friends call me “Cif” for short.
TBS: Ah! Like the Course Instructor Feedback survey?
C: Correct. They named the CIFs after me since the administration seems to think that every class needs a crucifix and students only pay attention to me when they have something to complain about.
TBS: I see. Still, that is a great honor. You must have been a part of the Notre Dame community for some time for them to do something like that.
C: Yep. I’ve been tacked to the wall of this cinderblock bomb shelter since 1955. The very year they built this dorm.
TBS: Residence Hall.
C: Do I give a shit? Got another question?
TBS: Uh… yes. So you’ve been here since 1955, what first brought you to Notre Dame?
C: It was a job. The Congregation wanted someone around to witness the shameful deeds of the students in the hours when priests couldn’t watch them without risking getting hauled off to another diocese.
TBS: “Shameful deeds”? Have you witnessed anything like that in your time here?
C: Are you kidding me?! These are Catholic college students we’re talking about! Nobody taught them how to sin like a normal person and so they get here and do the most bizarre, most fucked up stuff that you can imagine.
TBS: Like what?
C: Well when I first started working here it was still an all-boys school in the 50s. Everything back then seems so tame by today’s standards. Lots of compulsive masturbators; one kid would steal his mom’s bras and dance around the room singing to Lesley Gore. He was a good time. There were once these two gay guys—“confirmed bachelors” we used to call them in my day—who would rendezvous in my room after mass on Sundays and Wednesdays. Let me tell you, it’s so funny what gay men thought sex was before the internet!
TBS: When did all that change?
C: When the school started admitting girls in 1972.
TBS: Oh, wow. I can imagine you saw all sorts of hanky-panky then?
C: Hardly. The men of Notre Dame have always been bad at actually getting laid. I did get to witness the invention of the “Notre Dame Hookup”, which I figure is about as good as a “Rodham Clinton Presidency.” Mostly, I just saw the men in my room start to get drunk a lot more, all of the time. They’d drink nervously before every weekend party and drink out of depression after they once again returned alone. Still had the chance flamer every once in a while, and they fared a lot better romantically once their “heterosexual” classmates started drinking more.
TBS: That’s awful! When did you start to see the men of Notre Dame drinking less?
C: When they turned Pangborn into a girl’s dorm in 1992. Then I got to see how the women of Notre Dame are equally sloppy drunks. So much vomiting. All. The. Time.
TBS: Well, now you won’t even have to deal with women students since they will be tearing down Pangborn in the next few years. Do you have any plans?
C: The university would never grant the sweet release of being smashed to smithereens to a holy idol like myself, so they plan to remove me and put me into the room of one of the convents. I’m excited, I’ve heard that nothing I’ve seen could compare to the horrifically sinful things I’ll see once I’m in a nun’s room!
TBS: Oh dear. Well, CIF I think that’s about all we need for this interview. Do you have any closing thoughts for the students of Notre Dame?
C: Stop staring at me in shame every time you climax.
TBS: Oh, holy lord. Thank you, Crucifix.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: