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Recipe Leaked!: Father Jenkins Prepares Special Batch of Kool-Aid for Incoming Freshmen

This recipe is not for the faint of heart— Father Jenkins doesn’t do anything by halves. If you’re not ready to brainwash 2,000 freshmen into spending thousands of dollars and happily living most of their adult lives in debt, this recipe is not for you.

What You’ll Need:

– ¾ cup of anxious tears (extracted from disoriented freshmen and/or seniors who are coming to grips with their own mortality)

– 1 feather from the swans on St. Mary’s Lake

– 3 bags of slightly warm Franzia

– 1/6 cup of rusty Lime Bike screws

– 8 tight, awkward Jenkins smiles

– 4+ buildings you inadvertently paid for

To Mix:

– First, pluck all the little barbs from the swan feather, one by one.

– Throw those little bitches into a mixing bowl.

– Toss in those tears—or, better yet, make them fresh yourself.

– Now it’s time for the Franzia, a.k.a. the nectar of the gods. Its sickly-sweet taste will mellow out the salty taste of the tears, just as alcohol mellows out the bitterness of your sober life.

– Remember those rusty screws? Throw those sons o’bitches into a blender.

– Chop up those buildings as finely as you possibly can.

– Mix those smiles in gently, as they are very fleeting and hard to pin down. (We’re honestly still not sure if it’s a smile or a grimace—either way, it’s unsettling.)

And then voila, you have a beverage that’s on par with any administrator’s wet dream.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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