A team consisting in part of some of the world’s leading ecologists, climatologists, geologists and herpetologists met with the Notre Dame Presidents Leadership Council last Monday to begin talks on what may end up being the greatest environmental catastrophe to have ever challenged the human race, ever — that the supply of our world’s most important resource (buildings to name after current university president and Holy Cross priest, Reverend John Ignatus Jenkins) may be exhausted by the year 2030.
“We never imagined that this day would come,” said primatologist Dr. Edward Li wiping a bead of sweat from his brow. “Naming multimillion-dollar buildings after still living university leaders is fundamental to the functioning of Notre Dame. And if Notre Dame, which as we all know is the absolute most important place on the face of the planet ever, falls… well the rest of the world falls with it…”
In fact, it is predicted that Fr. Jenkins might live long enough to see a world where there are no longer enormous concrete buildings to sanctimoniously name after himself.
“I just don’t know how this world will function without sustainable supply of gaudy egomaniacal displays by theoretically humble, impoverished religious leaders,” stated adjunct professor of anthropology Michael Lang, who excused himself to alert his wife to pack up the kids and meet him at an undisclosed survival shelter in the Utah mountains.
The National Guard has already been mobilized, and experts predict that martial law may be declared within the year.
Desperate for alternative sources of presidential brownnosing, scientists have suggested that the most luxurious of box seating in Campus Crossroads could be retrofitted into a sort of “pseudo-building” and named after Jenkins. Another plan might tear down the basilica and replace it with a better, even more opulent building with its own box seating (a move that apparently would pay for itself in 5 to 65 years).
At this time, the primary recommendations to regular citizens are to stockpile supplies, secure home windows and doors for the coming riots in the street, and pray to the ultimate paragon of goodness and almighty savior of the world (meaning Jenkins).
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