On Wednesday, multiple sticky notes were found taped to the doors of the Notre Dame Basilica, listing off 95 Theses of what is wrong with the Catholic Church. Senior Brian Joyce took credit for the act, and claimed “he just wanted to give Martin Luther some credit for the inspiration.”
The list is as follows:
1.) Canticle of the Turning is not played enough.
2.) I accidentally said “Alleluia” during Lent and my mom told me I can’t go to heaven.
3.) Communion wine tastes like ass.
4.) Stale communion wafers when stale taste like ass. Jesus’s ass but still an ass.
5.) Communion wine made 7 year old me feel like an alcoholic.
6.) This is more of a Notre Dame thing but why the hell do I pay for laundry. Why is that not an included cost in room and board?
7.) Whatever is happening to SDH at the moment – the Catholic Church is to blame.
8.) Second Collections – let me know what they are for before asking for my money.
9.) INCENSE SMELLS HORRIBLE.
10.) No baptisms or first communions should be allowed during REGULAR MASS DO THAT ON YOUR OWN TIME.
11.) Time is a concept.
12.) Tuition is so fucking expensive at this school.
13.) I feel sad most of the time.
14.) Birth control. Why can’t we have that.
15.) Catholic Guilt.
16.) Purgatory means you technically got into heaven, but you have to wait for some reason? I would like some clarification.
17.) The whole Inquisition.
18.) Seriously, that was not cool
19.) What exactly is a confirmation name? Like is it officially my second middle name? Do I have to change my passport?
20.) Why was eighth grade me responsible for becoming a Catholic forever?
21.) I didn’t even have armpit hair in eighth grade, yet I was allowed to dedicate my whole life to Catholicism.
22.) Why are there deacons?
23.) Are they just holy bros who are married and occasionally help out the priest with some readings?
24.) What the hell are brothers?
25.) Are they part-time priests?
26.) Priests in training?
27.) Sisters are nuns, right? Why would we have another word for nun that could also mean “sibling.” Confusing.
27.) And we are all told that everyone is our brother and sister.
29.) So are sisters and brothers technically the same thing? Does gender exist?
30.) By this logic, are sisters priests in training?
31.) I know that’s wrong, because nuns can’t be priests. Which I disagree with. A lot.
32.) Seriously, nuns should be priests.
33.) Fr. Jenkin’s vow of poverty? When did he decide that didn’t apply to him?
34.) “Toxic” by Britney Spears is not played enough at mass.
35.) “Toxic” by Britney Spears is NEVER played at mass.
36.) Priests are priests for life. Not many major career changes there.
37.) Can’t I just be a priest for like a day?
38.) Catholics have not been the greatest people in history. Or even good people in history.
39.) Be nicer to LGBTQ people.
40.) Wow how did Martin Luther do 95, I’m very tired. Should I have trained more for this? Is this a Holy-Half type deal?
41.) My knees hurt from kneeling. I’m going to need knee replacements by 60.
42.) Do we really need two readings during mass? I’m cool with just the one.
43.) This is a positive: the priest’s outfit. Awesome. Can I try it on?
44.) I once altar served a wedding.
45.) No one should have a fifth grade me on their wedding video forever. No one.
46.) Covering up scandals of perverted priests. Not to mention the scandals of perverted priests themselves.
47.) Why doesn’t the Vatican have athletes in the Olympics?
48.) They are a country…
49.) So like, by now, we should have seen a Vatican City bobsled team made up of bishops.Except, is having God on their side an unfair advantage?
50.) Catholic Guilt round 2! (It’s a lifelong torment.)
51.) I already feel guilty for writing this article.
52.) I don’t want to go to Hell, so here are some positives about the Church…
53.) It teaches you how to love, sort of, which is cool.
54.) Straightens your moral backbone. Kind of like a scoliosis brace for your soul.
55.) Jesus is cool.
56.) I like thinking there is a God cause otherwise life would be very depressing. See number 13.
57.) But I also feel like that God wouldn’t care if I bought some condoms.
58.) Holy days of obligation. Why?
59.) Isn’t going to Church on Sundays enough?
60.) Sunday morning brunch following mass should be a requirement.
61.) Easter Vigil mass is pretty, but so goddamn long.
62.) I should be able to say “goddamn” without feeling guilty.
63.) Are you seriously still reading this?
64.) “Hate the sinner, love the sinner” no hate fam. Don’t really know where I was going with that one.
65.) Catholics’ feeling of superiority.
66.) Don’t hate me if I accidentally miss mass every Sunday.
67.) Can we have a dub-step mass?
68.) Cute little kids should be required to sit in front of you every mass. Unless that’s creepy.
69.) I laughed at this number and felt guilty. In a Catholic way.
70.) I have so many more to go. I definitely should have trained.
71.) Follow me on Twitter. @BlackSheep_ND. Please.
72.) No one is reading this far, so I’m going to skip some numbers. How did Martin Luther do this?
73.) Microsoft word won’t let me skip numbers.
74.) There should be more girl scouts selling cookies after masses. I know we have some already, but we need MORE.
75.) Please limit the number of announcements before mass to three.
76.) Please add a crossword puzzles to the bulletin that I can do during mass. Not hard ones either.
77.) My church still says before every mass, “please turn off your cell phones and pagers.”
78.) No one has pagers anymore. You can barely even buy them. Name one place you can buy a pager that isn’t eBay.
79.) The only pager I have ever seen is Jamie Lee Curtis’ in the iconic movie Freaky Friday.
80.) Almost there. I’ll train next time. Or I’ll just agree to never do this again.
81.) Can we stop putting oil on people’s faces.
82.) Like for Confirmation. Yes I’m back on the subject of Confirmation.
83.) Those kids are already oily enough. Proactive can only help so much.
84.) Confirmation classes. They suck.
85.) Confirmation itself is so goddamn long. It took God less time to create the whole Earth than it did for me to get confirmed.
86.) Why did I have to write a letter to the Bishop about why I should be confirmed?
87.) Did he actually read those? If so, why?
88.) LIMIT THE CHOIR TO ONE SONG DURING COMMUNION.
89.) I don’t want the priest to be sitting down, done with communion, to hear the choir break out one more song. Unless that song is “Toxic” by Britney Spears.
90.) Then I have to wait four more minutes. My time is valuable. See number 11.
91.) Sometimes the choir sings a really big song and I don’t know if I should clap or not after. I feel awkward.
92.) “Lead Me, Guide Me” is a BANGER that is not nearly sung enough. Also, “Toxic” by Britney Spears isn’t sung enough either.
93.) Catholic weddings are super cool, churches are pretty. Not a complaint, just a note.
94.) Church dress code confuses me. Can I wear Crocs?
95.) I actually made it to 95 and that scares me. Does this mean I get my own religious following now?
Father Jenkins and the Catholic administration at Notre Dame have yet to respond to Joyce’s complaints. We just hope Joyce has a religious awakening soon before he’s excommunicated as a heretic and goes to Hell. On a side note,if you’d like to join the newly minted Joycian religion, contact us. We know people.