Every year we go through the same song and dance, where our sometimes well-meaning yet megalomaniacal peers compete for the chance to be on the team of two people who the student body will sort of know the names of for a couple semesters. All these campaigns are full of bullcrap. You know it. I know it. They know it.
Regardless of their goals, it is ultimately a battle between the most padded resumes on campus where the prize is the greatest resume fodder ND has to offer. The game boils down to who can create the grandest, yet still seemingly most attainable, set of goals for what they definitely will accomplish once they’re elected to the head of the student body.
Of course, at some level we’re all aware that almost none of the things proposed in election season are close to plausible and, even if they were, any sort of action that could feasibly affect the “Notre Dame Experience ®” would likely be quietly strangled by the invisible hand of the upper administration anyway.
Thus, as your resident truth-speakers and obvious moral authorities, the writing staff of The Black Sheep must question any campaign that seems to take seriously this exercise in futility. To think that the office of Student Body President provides the necessary vantage point to exert real positive change on campus indicates a break in rationality we cannot support.
In light of the current campaigns, we have compiled a list of all the things that are not going to happen in the next year regardless of who is elected:
– Decrease in annual tuition
– Reforming of student senate
– Chick-Fil-A, improvement of dorm life
– Repeal of the three-year housing requirement
– A multicultural center
– Two-ply toilet paper
– More money to student clubs
– Literally anything that helps LGBT students on campus at all ever
– And proper labelling of ice cream in the dining hall
Of the three tickets, only one seems to fully comprehend the ridiculousness of any of their ideas being put in motion when setting campaign goals:
Andrew Gannon and Mark Moran (otherwise known as The Zahm Guys, or Those Freshmen) have been frequently painted as the “joke ticket.”
This is absolutely true and is the primary reason why they are easily the most qualified team for the position — running as a joke ticket in what is in many ways a joke election is the only thing that reminds us as a student body exactly where we stand when it comes to decision making.
The two do not have the goal of lowering tuition or lifting the three year on-campus housing policy, as they are the only ones who seem to understand that if these things are making Notre Dame money there is no chance that a student in any position is going to change them. The greatest thing this ticket offers to the student body is an awareness of the pointlessness of this election, and a way to communicate to the higher powers of our university that we know we are not being heard.
All these campaigns are mere exercises in futility, but at least the Gannon-Moran seems aware of it.
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