We all know that guy. Vineyard Vines, sports management major, transferred here from Fordham…the kind of straight guy who constantly needs to remind you that even though he goes to NYU “I’m totally fuckin’ straight bro.” His name is probably Brad.
Well, anyway, he’s throwing a Super Bowl Party and trust us, being the Tisch kid you are, you do not want to go – you’ve got screenplays to write and monologues to memorize and you’re just “so busy!” However, Jessica, the girl you’ve been into since the first day of freshman year is going because Brad asked her to come, and she can’t go alone!
“But what will I do? What will I say?! I’m gonna be like a fish-outta-artistic-water over there!!” you internally scream.
We at The Black Sheep got you. Here are the top ten tips for surviving that dude’s Super Bowl Party.
10.) Find out who’s playing:
You want a bit of basic knowledge before stepping into such uncharted territories. Who would’ve thought educating yourself would be a good decision (that’s Trump joke). Just to make things easier, we’ll help you out a little – the two teams playing in the 2017 NFL Super Bowl are the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons.
9.) Stay as neutral as possible:
You, an ill-informed sports fan, have no idea what type of household you are walking into. Are these people die hard Patriots fans? Are they die hard Falcons fans? Do they just want to see Tom Brady cry and the Patriots lose miserably? You don’t know, and the best way to stay in the clear is to not attract too much attention to yourself. Do not wear something crazy!
8.) Just have a beer:
They’re going to try and convince you that Natty Light, mixed with Everclear, mixed with a shit ton of Sprite, Pink Lemonade, and plastic-bottle vodka is a cocktail…
…so be like John Oliver and bring a six pack of Bud Light for yourself and go to town.
7.) Bring Food:
You think these guys cooked anything for the game? You think any of them thought of ordering food for the game? You think any of them even bought a bag of chips for the game?!
Well, the answer’s no. Buy one bag of chips, and you’ll immediately be a legend in everyone’s book.
6.) Do not bring up politics:
As you’re probably well aware, Brad is a libertarian (i.e. a closeted Trump Supporter) and he really doesn’t want to get into it in his home, especially in such a neo-liberal climate. Bring it up, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts rambling off alternative facts that the media isn’t telling you.
5.) Get familiar with their style of music:
There’ll probably be some music playing lightly in the background to allow this group of pastel-wearing individuals to avoid the absence of noise. Take advantage of this, and learn their songs, their culture. Learn the lyrics to the songs that are most likely to be on that “Super Bowl Background Music” playlist – specifically the words to “Come On, Eileen”. You may not understand it now, but a well placed lyrics mumble as you stare intently at the TV could create the façade that you’re just “one of the guys.”
4.) Make up a crazy, unreal sex story:
After these dudes start to get on board with you, put your acting skills to the test and tell them about a crazy sex story that is completely and utterly false. If you need any help doing this in a mildly convincing manner, just listen to all the guys there talk about their experiences with girls. Take little pieces from each of their stories, and then start to make your own. Go Big. Say you took 5 girls you just met into the Durden’s bathroom and had yourself a time. Say you were in there for three hours. Then look each of those pastel-wearing dudes in the eyes, and with a stone cold stare and say “it was alright”. They’ll be stunned. Boom. They now think you’re cool.
3.) Don’t go too crazy over the halftime show:
To you, the Super Bowl is the thing that gets in the way of your fifteen minutes of heaven – the Lady Gaga Half Time Performance. We know she’s a kween. Yet, you just got on these guys’ good side, so lay low for a sec. They practically think you’re a sex god! Let that feeling simmer for a hot couple of minutes.
But UGHHHH she’s so perfect…okay fine fan girl over her if you need to. It’s worth it.
2.) Don’t get cocky:
You were able to hold in your excitement for Gaga, and you haven’t outwardly expressed the fact that you get more from the commercials than you do from the game. You may be in a scenario where the guys really start to like you! Just make sure that in a situation like this, you don’t say any stupid shit to fuck this up. You think you can call out the play Matt Ryan’s going to run because you’ve seen 45 minutes of one football game, or you think you can predict what the penalty call is going to be. STOP IT. It’s only a matter of time before you say something one hundred percent moronic and these dudes realize you know nothing about football.
1.) Tom Brady:
Lastly, when in doubt, just make fun of Tom Brady.
He’s talented but he’s such a dud.
Just don’t let any Patriots fans hear you!