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5 Incredibly Effective Ways to Study for Finals And They’re All Just Drugs

Finals are coming up, we all know it. You’ve seen the freshmen crying on the floor of Bobst. You’ve seen the seniors hating themselves for not dropping out two years ago. After a poll taken by the NYU student population, almost 100% of students claimed that finals season was definitely worse than World War I and World War II combined. However, The Black Sheep has scientific research on the most effective ways to study for finals.

5.) Just snort cocaine while studying:
For every line you read, reward yourself with a line. This method will absolutely keep you awake and alert. Though it may be hard to concentrate on your orgo book, you’ll definitely find yourself high, or dead (and both options are more enjoyable than studying).

4.) Adderall. So much fucking Adderall:
You know that one friend you have with ADD? Even if it’s that one friend that isn’t really your friend and you take the stairs just to avoid conversation with them on the elevator, text them immediately. If they refuse to just give you any, buy it off of them. It doesn’t matter if you pay $100 per pill just fucking do it man, your psych final is tomorrow!

3.) Copious amounts of alcohol:
There’s evidence that if you study when you’re drunk and you take an exam when you’re drunk, you’re guaranteed to do well. So if you show up wasted enough to feel exam-ready, but not wasted enough to throw up all over your Blue Book, you should ace it (assuming you offered to share whatever’s in your coffee cup with your prof).

2.) The devil’s lettuce:
Marijuana is a quick fix. It’s helpful for when you have a panic attack while studying and need to immediately calm down. You may feel like you’re actually talking to the characters from your Chinese workbook, but maybe that’s the best way to learn the language.

1.) Oxycontin:
Oxycontin will kill the pain that you have in your head from studying and the pain that you have in your soul for deciding to double major in neuroscience and physics. Granted, you may sleep through your final — but hey, it’ll numb the pain of failing, too. Don’t consider this a last resort, consider this a very viable option.

These are facts, people. A completely comprehensive and scientifically accurate list on how to make studying the most effective. We had the list approved by two psychology majors that are about to finish up their 101 course, so don’t worry it’s completely accurate.

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