There are many times where you think that NYU will be your cause of death. It’s quite literal incompetence sometimes is startling considering how much money we pay to keep this place in shape. But these, these are the kinds of things that haunt our dreams at night. We hope that they will start haunting you as well:
5.) Everything in your dorm room that’s leaking:
Whether the bathroom ceiling is leaking for three weeks and low-key falling down or someone’s stove is leaking methane gas unbeknownst to the general public of the building or if your toilet is simply clogged with 700 cockroaches, NYU dorm’s problems are great in both reality and myth. Drinking from a lead-filled NYU water fountain might be the last thing you do!
4.) Bed bugs:
There’s a monster bed bug infestation at Gramercy Green right now, and it’s the talk of the town. Many people are thinking of simply burning all their clothes and bedding and living out a collective dream of being nudist wanderers. This may sound like a good idea now whilst summer is here but we all know: winter is coming, and so is death.
3.) Raised tuition:
Though this is more a mental and spiritual death than a physical one, NYU’s $75,000 price tag is always a continually toll upon the soul. Our bones are literally being crushed by the weight of all the debt we’ll be in by the time we graduate. Maybe a deal with the devil will be what really does one in?
2.) The elevator commute:
The commute from the ground floor to your home is one filled with horror and self-doubt. Remember that movie Tower of Terror? Yeah, it’s like that. After waiting for a third lift, as the others are completely full, the ride is that of a local train from 1st St. to 125th St. Excruciating. And a constant reason for meditation on death. There are no elevators in hell, only missed opportunities.
“Welcome to Skynet NYU. We are a company dedicated to bringing people together.” NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Stop! We are warning you! Don’t do it! Just back away. Leave this dark place before it’s too late. HURRY, GO. Don’t let Skynet NYU get you before it’s too late!
There are lots of nightmares lurking around campus, so it’s best to stay on the alert and make sure that NYU doesn’t get what it really wants: us dead with our tuition in their pockets.
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