Do you love animals? Do you have a moment to talk about the environment? What? Are you supposed to be an asshole and say no? The Greenpeace people give you two options: talk to them for 20 minutes and be late to class, or look like a total dickhead and say you don’t care about women’s rights. The Black Sheep has collected five ways to guarantee that the harassers of Astor Place won’t bother you on your way to The Science of Friendship:
5.) Start lighting fires in front of them:
If you carry around pieces of paper that you can light on fire as soon as they start approaching you, they’ll think twice. Not only does this scream “fuck the environment you love so much” but it also says, “I’m mentally unstable and will light you on fire next.”
4.) Look at their shirt and say, “Greenpeace? I only speak to representatives of the color blue.”:
This way you look like you’re a supporter of peace, but also an avid supporter of the color blue. If they try to fight you, say it’s a religious belief, and if they really cared about humanity, they would respect your bluedom.
3.) Carry around a bag of meat:
Raw meat, the bloodier the better. How can they ask you if you care about animal rights if you’re carrying around a bag of bloody cow? They already have their answer and know you’re a lost cause. Plus, it’s a tasty snack during three hour lectures.
2.) Approach them first and quiz them about their knowledge of the environment and the Russian Revolution:
You’ll throw them off guard and take away their power. Oh you don’t know about the abdication of Nicholas II? Guess you’re not qualified to teach us about anything then.
1.) When all else fails, just piss yourself:
Stare them directly in the eyes and start peeing. They’ll know that you’re nobody to mess with if you’re willing to stare them down while doing a number one. If they aren’t scared away by your ballsy-ness, the smell should do it. Either way, it’s a win.
It’s finals season, so we know you don’t have the time to care about the Earth. We aren’t judging you, but we know the Greenpeace people are. Use these tricks to avoid conversation with them without giving up the information that you could give a shit about animals and the ozone layer. You’ll look totally respectable and cool.
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