New York is undoubtedly the best place on Earth (don’t fight us on this, we have scientific studies). But, it becomes much less exciting when you go to school here. Some of us stayed and braved the disgusting white stuff falling from the sky. For the rest of us, whether it have been New Jersey or Puerto Rico, it was hard to come back to the streets where the ice turns walking into a health hazard. So, if you’re sick of tourists and homeless men flashing you in Union Square, here are some great excuses to never come back:
7.) Your flight was cancelled, delayed, and/or crashed:
Cancelled flights are a good excuse to stay wherever the hell you are, and nobody can blame you for it! Delayed flights aren’t really an excuse but you can always pretend it was cancelled, or even better, crashed in a terrible accident and you were the sole survivor. The only thing people could blame you for is returning to NYU afterwards.
6.) Your GPA dropped .6 or more points last semester:
It’s only going to go down from here. Get out before it gets uglier. We mean it, give up, quit school, move back in with your parents, and start driving with Uber. It pays more than the jobs you’ll get with that English degree.
5.) Your parents cried when you left for school again:
Take advantage of that shit. If they’re crying, they miss you. If they miss you, they’ll want you to drop out and spend more time with them. Hell, they’ll probably be happy to not pay for your tuition anymore and you can start your Uber plan again.
4.) Your pet:
Your pet is a good reason not to come back to school, because you can’t bring them with you. Duh. Leaving them behind is genuinely rude after they spent so many hours by your side. Don’t be an asshole, go to your pet — otherwise it could be considered animal abuse.
3.) That one time you set toast on fire:
Even if you have a meal plan, you should be able to make some sort of food to keep you alive. If you can’t even make toast, NYU, or adult life in general, isn’t for you. Go back home where the cooking is done for you, groceries are bought by your parents, and you don’t even have to see the check when you go out to eat.
2.) Your bank account is already overdrawn:
New York is expensive. Tuition, books, hanging out with friends, and being guilted into buying a Krispy Kreme donut from the whatever club raising money at the top of the Kimmel stairs — everything really adds up. If you’re only half a week in and already broke, just go home and start up with Uber, like we’ve discussed.
1.) School is lame:
There are so many things you could be doing right now. Think about it. We’re all only here because we have to be so that we can get a job and blah, blah, blah. Sometimes school is fun and interesting and you have a good time with friends. But let’s be real, school sucks and Uber will always prevail.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: