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Columbia Transfer ‘Can’t’ with Washington Square Park Anymore

In Bobst’s revolving doors, one student lays himself down in protest of NYU and its “horrid living conditions”, as well as Washington Square Park.

The student, Stern junior Nathaniel “Nate” Van Der Hooven, who transferred from Columbia, decried all of NYU after his fifth all-nighter.

“Leaving Columbia was the worst decision I’ve ever made,” Van Der Hooven shouted through the glass. “I absolutely will not, and cannot, stand for the shitty idea of an open campus anymore.”

Van Der Hooven lives in Carlyle Court, a (woefully long) 15 minute walk from the park. Given his Columbia roots, he assumed a dorm with the word “court” in the title would befit his ivy league background. He was wrong.

“I can’t be here anymore. This is a protest against everything NYU stands for, and that stupid ass park. Wait, did I mention that my Thanksgiving break in the Bahamas was amazing?” Van Der Hoover stated after no one asked him.

After Van Der Hooven was found standing outside of Bobst holding a sign that read, “Please don’t”,  Public Safety officers took action, as it is now finals season. NYU as a whole does not care for his “privileged, white, and rich” attitude when their Science of Happiness grade is on the line.

“NYU should be a safe and welcoming place for all,” Andy Hamilton, president of the university commented. “What happened here today is a disappointment for us all, and we are constantly working to make NYU a better place for students of all backgrounds, including rich people from L.A.”

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