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Kimmel Marketplace Now Only Open When Jupiter is in Transit

Kimmel Marketplace, where all starving students can chow down on disappointing chicken caesar wraps without fear of overt judgement, formally announced a big change to alleviate confusion: it will only remain open during Jupiter’s transitioning hours.

“We came to realize just how confusing and limiting our open hours were,” said President of Faculty Workload and Signage, Bridget Bishop. “So, after consulting extensively with the premier astrologers and witch doctors in Manhattan, we decided that keeping the Marketplace open during Jupiter’s transitioning hours makes the most sense.”

To reflect the change, a sundial will replace the ‘Open Hours’ sign outside of the dining hall. Kimmel will make an announcement soon, hopefully explaining how this will show the dining hall’s open hours.

Student reactions to the new hours have been mixed.

Gallatin junior Mary Walcott had a decidedly positive response. “I’m glad they made it official, I’ve been saying for months that it’s high-time they adapt,” she said. “Whether it’s through the ever-mysterious workings of the universe, or just a simple 9-5 change, I’m glad we finally get some clear answers. I just needed to know when I can get falafel.”

Tisch senior Everclear Lee said, “I am unsure how I feel. I would prefer if they followed the lunar cycle, but I will take what I can get.”

In any case, the Kimmel you know and love remains unchanged, it’s just the hours they are open that have changed. 

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