NYU is raising its total cost of attendance by 2.7% because it hates you specifically. There’s no getting around this painful truth, and you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that NYU President Andy Hamilton hates you and thinks you’re a coward. However, if lying to yourself is something you’re okay with, here are five lies you can tell yourself so that your feelings aren’t hurt.
5.) Well, as the size of this diverse institution increases, so does the cost blah blah blah blah blah blah…
If an old British man sends a newsletter and no one’s there to read it, did he actually send a newsletter? Yes he did, and he continues to do so. No one reads those, Andy. We already know that NYU is diverse, it said so on the brochure. If it really makes you feel better to pretend like good ol’ Andy genuinely means anything he says on those little purple pamphlets, go right ahead. No one’s gonna yuck your yum.
4.) It’s not so much that NYU wants more money, it’s that NYU wants other people to have less money:
Not only must NYU obtain as much money as possible, but it must also make sure that everyone else has less money. It’s not personal, it’s just business. Or at least that’s what you’ll keep on telling yourself when Andy visits you in your dream and whispers in your ear, “Your father and I are disappointed in you. You have brought shame upon the House of Hamilton and your face shall be forever erased from the Tree of Family.”
3.) Since he was a younger, yet oddly still bald, version of himself, Andy Hamilton has always dreamed of diving into a pool of gold coins:
While Andy Hamilton has acquired power and influence in the form of one of the largest private schools in the country, he still feels empty inside. Perhaps it’s because his “In and Of the City” t-shirt isn’t in the bookstore yet. While these explanations might very well be true, what’s really eating at him is his unfulfilled childhood dream of jumping off of a diving board into a room full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. You can now comfort yourself with the knowledge that your extra tuition money can make that dream happen.
2.) Literally just NYU Florence:
While NYU has raised its tuition because it hates you and your taste in music, NYU’s Florence campus might convince you otherwise. With its gardens full of statues, polygon-shaped hedges, and an entire building devoted to its art collection, NYU’s campus in Florence could very possibly be the reason why NYU is raising tuition. But it isn’t, because you’re the reason.
1.) The ghosts of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire demand a greater sacrifice:
In 1911, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire claimed the lives of 148 people. Years later, NYU would purchase the very building that the famous fire took place in, unaware of the 148 ghosts that dwell in the building. These ghosts demand a yearly sacrifice to appease their tormented souls. Yet, in true NYU fashion, they just want money. What do ghosts want with money? Who’s to say.
Look, buddy. NYU hates you personally, but look on the bright side: In a few years, NYU’s going to forgive you and your dumb obsession with musicals in order to extort your for donations because if there’s one thing that NYU loves more than hating you in particular, it’s money.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: