You probably came to New York because you were under the impression that this is a concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That these lights will inspire you. Well, Alicia Keys lied to you. New York is a hellscape full of demons that are red, fluffy, and look oddly like a small man in an Elmo costume. While it’s true that you can find everything from men dressed up as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to actual real life teenage mutant ninja turtles, here are seven things that don’t exist in New York City hell.
7.) Chirping birds:
Now, you may be thinking, “Hey, what about pigeons?” Well first of all, pigeons don’t chirp, they coo like doves. Second of all, pigeons aren’t even birds: They’re rats with wings, so they don’t count, and everyone who’s anyone knows this to be true.
6.) The smell of nothing:
New York always smells like something, whether it’s steam from the nearest puddle of hot dog water, the mysterious goo that flows under New York City making up its life blood, or your roommate, Tim, who also smells like hot dog water. It’s only when you’re not in this concrete hellscape that you are reminded that the air doesn’t normally smell like that.
5.) Sincere friendships:
Back in 2004, Friends, the long-running TV sitcom featuring six friends who live in New York, came to an end. Coincidentally, around that same time in New York, the concept of friends also came to an end. Today, what we have are networking connections. Coincidentally, Networking Connections, the highly-anticipated TV sitcom featuring six networking connections who live in New York, will be airing its first episode this coming Fall, only on Fox.
When you’re in New York, people love to tell you to look up. Why? What’s up there? We’ll tell you what’s up there. Smog and sadness.
3.) Some goddamn peace and quiet:
Sometimes, you just want to sit down in a nice quiet part of the city to reflect on the fact that the world is a scary place and you share it with spiders that can eat birds. Unfortunately, you can’t because no matter where you are in this godforsaken city, someone is always making noise, whether it’s in the form of that guy who’s trying to raise money for “church league basketball jerseys,” those construction crews whose entire job is to dig up the road and then fill it back up, or your roommate Tim, who swears that his church league basketball team actually exists.
Grass: nature’s stubble. Unfortunately, nature, and by extension, grass, is in short supply in New York. Perhaps it has something to do with the large slabs of concrete that we prefer to walk on. Or maybe Mother Nature just can’t afford NYC rent. Whatever the reason, grass is precious in New York and should be shared, which means you don’t need that giant-ass blanket for your tiny picnic basket.
You know in cartoons when a character is upset or sad, a little thundercloud appears above their head? That’s basically all of New York, except the thunderclouds are just made of smog. There is no happiness to be found in New York, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stop looking.
Look, we all got bamboozled by Alicia Keys. She lied to us and you should never forgive her for that. But if you ever find one of these things that don’t exist in New York, keep it to yourself unless you want your roommate Tim to get his essence of hot dog water all over it.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: