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NYU Administrators Occupy Dorm Elevators in Protest of Student Protest

A recent uptick in student protests has taken the attention away from the frats and their constant donut sales and put it on the NYU administration. Members of administration aren’t thrilled about the ongoing Kimmel protests and have taken to the elevators in various residence halls in protest of student protest.

Leading the occupation is NYU’s president Andrew Hamilton:

“Dude, c’mon guys it’s like the end of the year,” he stated. “W-we just wanna go home. Let me go home.”

“Let me go home” is actually the first half of this new “Protest against Protests” movement, the full slogan reading “Let Me Go Home or I Won’t Let You Go Home.” The slogan was created by outgoing Admissions Dean Shawn Abbott, who seemed tepid about the protests despite single handedly occupying two elevators at the same time.

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“I mean I practically don’t even work here anymore so I don’t really care what happens,” said Abbott, in between taking large sips from a flask full of room temperature tomato soup. “But Hamilton said he’d buy me three of those frat donuts they’re alway selling if I occupied these here elevators.”

Later in the interview, Crabbott described how he can occupy two elevators at once by sitting in one while threatening to take away financial aid from the other elevator if it continues to operate.

The effect of these protests can be felt throughout the campus. CAS junior Ella Vader lives in the Penthouse of Gramercy Hall, the elevators of which are occupied by Hamilton. As a result of the administrators’ protest, Vader makes the 22-story climb to her room twice every day.

“Technically, there’s nothing stopping me or anyone else from using the elevator but it’s a really slow elevator and Hamilton spends the entire ride explaining how his name sounds nothing like our nation’s first Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton,” Vader said. “So I take the stairs.”

The leader of the student protests, Steinhardt senior Camille Johanna acknowledges the hardships for students who live on higher floors but calls for them to stay strong.

“In order to force change in our university,” she said during a protest against NYU’s protest against students protesting, “our calves of steel must be as strong as our nerves, which are also made of steel.”

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